Poison Penpal

I get made fun of every now and again when people find out I have an Aol e-mail account. It's the account I set up when I got my first computer, which of course came with some free months of America Online. I've just never really stopped using it. I mostly use it for filling out online forms and e-mailing stuff to myself from work. I do also have a Gmail account (fancy!).

G-Male

Since I have this account, I also get to see Aol's homepage all the time. They really do provide great content all the time. There was this. And now this:

Um, what the hell, Aol? Did Aol poison me? I suppose "get" is better than "got" or "are going to get". It's still a little troubling.

"Tonight on America Online (I know it's not a tv show, but bear with me)

"Tonight on America Online! Why we took your underpants! We've also been soaking your coffee filters in an arsenic solution, letting them dry out, and then replacing them in your cupboard!"

More to come.

Pillow Fight

God damn it, people who name products. Shouldn't this be easy?

I needed some sort of stuffing for part of my Hallowe'en costume. I thought that using the filling from an inexpensive pillow might be cheaper than buying actual pillow stuffing. I went to Walmart and headed to their bedding section. Most of the pillows were in the $6 and up range. I didn't really want to spend that much. They also had an endcap featuring a product for only $2.50. I did like three investigative walk-bys and stuck my hand inside the plastic before deciding they were, in fact, pillows.

I mean, what the hell is this?

Yes, you can look at that and say "well clearly that's a pillow". But it could be something else. I don't know, it might be a neatly folded mattress pad, or some sort of bed accessory that I'm totally unfamiliar with. But really that name threw me off. "Deep Pockets"? You know how many pockets this pillow has? Exactly zero. Not a single pocket of any depth. Why the hell did they call a pillow, something that as far as I know never has pockets, Deep Pockets? Sheet sets, mattress pads, mattress covers, and all sorts of other shit that I don't know about has "pockets" at the corners to accommodate a mattress. Why would there be a pocket in a pillow? Even if there was one, the pillow goes inside a pillow case, and the pocket would be useless. What would I keep in there? Perhaps a throat lozenge? Maybe a pre-written thank-you note, a mint, and an RU-486.

Further agitating me, the packaging does not have the word "pillow" anywhere on it. Nowhere. It tells me all about what the filling is made from, that I can machine wash it, and that the bag is dangerous, but it never bothers to mention that it's a pillow.

Even this refrigerator box in this picture I found of some chick in a refrigerator box says "Refrigerator" right on it, and those boxes pretty much always have a refrigerator in them(or the occasional chick). In fact, any box about this size and shape is usually called a refrigerator box. But the refrigerator people still have the courtesy to let you know, just in case.

The bag did let me know that whatever was inside was indeed "Standard".

The sign for the end cap was no help either. It just had the Walmart logo and the price. No description at all.

I suppose maybe "Deep Pockets" is meant to imply wealth and luxury. As if someone might sleep on this pillow and think "Wow! The guy that bought this pillow must have some pretty deep pockets to afford such a fine head cushion! This is nice!"

Sunday Cipher #44 - The Tetanus Racket

Oh no! You just woke up, and you're manacled to the wall in some dank pit! That's the last time you party with your 11-year-old niece. Bitch is crazy. How are you going to get unchained from the wall?! Speaking of walls, these ones are closing in! And they have rusty spikes on them! And your tetanus vaccination isn't up to date! Wait! There's a message scrawled on the wall! Maybe there is a way out! But it's in code! Can you figure out the message in time!?

Below is a quote from a famous person encoded with a substitution cipher. Each letter has been swapped for another. Today's hint: J equals B.

"YB/ LDKY/ DRFZEYY/ GRZ/ WKAL/ RZ/ EZLKFE/ DBFYE/ BAA/ LDE/ TFBNZX/ SNYL/ YB/ IBN/ GRZ/ ONL/ ORZLY/ BZ/ KL?/ BD,/ IBN/ XFBOOEX/ IBNF/ OEZGKW;/ K'WW/ TFRJ/ KL."/ - GRLDEFKZE/ LDE/ TFERL

The first person to e-mail me the correct answer at imillermoth@gmail.com wins a prize! If you would like your prize sent to you, include a mailing address with your answer.

Last week's answer:
"'You shall not pass!' Yeah, that's what my rectum tried to say to my first black boyfriend." - Sir Ian McKellen

Dudes and Dogs

Kevin & Friends Grooming Dog & Cat Spa. I'm torn on this one.

On one hand, I don't know Kevin, and who the hell are these friends of his? Just buddies of Kevin's? He could have classed it up more with "Kevin and Associates, LLC" or "Oliver & Company". I suppose "Kevin & Friends" sounded better than "Kevin & Some Dudes I Know".

I can picture the commercial. "Hey, I'm Kevin. And these are some guys I know. Give us your pet for several hours. These people I met are totally good with pets. It might not be these actual guys here. I reserve the right to let anyone I know pretty well do stuff with your pet. Come in today!"

You can tell Kevin to keep his friends the hell away from my dog.

On the other hand, I'm intrigued. The evidently employ a grooming dog, and I would like to know more about this. Is this a breed of dog I am unfamiliar with that can actually groom other dogs? I wonder if the Groomhound decides on hairstyles for the other dogs on its own, or if Kevin has authority. It may just be a normal service dog that went to school for this.

I think I'll just go to Tiny & Nacho's Lavandogia.

Dread and Circuses

The circus is coming to town!

Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus is coming to Denver and they are advertising all over town with these billboards.

Fully Charged! Megawatts of Fun! From the text and the pictures of elephants I have to assume Ringling Brothers is following in the footsteps of that genius inventor Thomas Edison by electrocuting elephants nightly.

For those of you that are unaware, during the so-called "War of Currents" between AC and DC power, Edison electrocuted a number of dogs, cats, cattle, a few horses, and yes, an elephant. Here's a video.

And now Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus is doing it live every night! Needless to say, I will be going to the circus. It will be awesome. And before anyone starts complaining about it being animal cruelty, remember that circus folk have to eat too, and I don't think you want them rubbing elbows with you at the lunch counter, now do you? So let them eat their elephant in peace. I can also hear some of you are thinking, "But aren't there only like 100 elephants left in the whole world? Won't this burn up all the elephants we have left?" Of course not. Think about it. There are elephants roaming all over India, doing fine without any supervision. Also, pretty much every zoo everywhere has a couple. Hollywood movie studios rent elephants all the time, so there must be lots of elephants in Southern California. Ringling Bros clearly owns lots of them. They wouldn't burn through their last couple elephants for one awesome tour, so they must have a bunch. See? Plenty of elephants. And besides, these elephants are the property of Ringling Bros. If I feel like electrocuting my ficus(a living plant) no one complains; Ringling Bros should be afforded the same courtesy.

Perhaps most importantly, the U.S. has fallen behind in circus dominance and frying elephants may give us a little boost in world popularity. All over Europe and Russia they have classic clowning and miming. France has that Cirque du Soleil thing, which is huge. Hell, John C. Reilly even made a movie about it. But the real powerhouse in the field right now is China. It's just one more area where America is losing ground to those yellow reds. I mean, check this out:

That's right. It's a fucking lion riding a horse. That's what circuses in China are doing right now. You know how great your kids birthday would be if you took him to see a lion riding a horse? Pretty great.

Man, look at that. That lion is loving it. The horse probably is, too. How cool is that? Animal cruelty? Maybe. don't care.

I mean really, in Europe they eat horses. In Africa they eat zebras(I assume) and they're just fancy horses. In America we just run them around in circles, women sniff them and go all wobbly in the knees, and maybe like 40 cowboys ride them at work. Also those horse cops. So this horse being part of an amazing spectacle is likely the best that that horse could have hoped for. And cruel for the lion? I believe we already established that he's loving it. Besides, lions are obsolete.

They also have a tiger.

It seems to me that we'd be letting the those un-American commies, and by extension the terrorists, win if we didn't electrocute elephants at the circus. We simply can't let relevance in yet another field slip out of America's grasp.

So pop the popcorn, spin the cotton candy, and uncap the conductive jelly! I'm going to the circus!

They're Not Genies for Christ's Sake

It would be pretty awesome if a terminally ill child was approached by the Make-A-Wish Foundation and this exchange took place:

MAWF Guy: Do you want to go to Disney World with Taylor Swift?
Kid: I had in mind something a little more radical.
MAWF Guy: What... What seems to be the problem?
Kid: Death.
MAWF Guy: Death. Well, I'm afraid that's a little out of my jurisdiction.
Kid: I want more life, fucker.

It wouldn't be very awesome when the kid eventually succumbs to whatever horrible illness he has, but sometimes sacrifices must be made in the name of comedy.

If you were wondering, his name was Bill. They used to call him Billy, but when he got sick his dad told him he was going to have to be brave.They switched to calling him Bill as a constant reminder that he was just as grown-up and just as brave as any other adult. Sometimes when it was only his parents around, his mom would still call him Billy. His dad would always say "It's Bill now honey. " and she would cry a little. (I'm kidding of course. Children don't die from awful diseases in real life. That would be horrible and no God would let that happen)

Not sure what the hell I'm talking about with that dialogue? It's from Blade Runner.

Sunday Cipher #43 - Knight in Shining Fold-Out

Uh oh! Your friend's finacée threw him out of the condo after he called her Tuesday Weld in bed! And now he's staying with you! Also, he's not really like one of your best friends. I mean, he's okay to hang out with, but he's kind of an ass. Like, his name is Steve Knight, but he always wants people to call him "Knight" and he makes really shitty jokes about it. He says stuff like "I was the best Knight of that chick's life" and "You mess with the Knight and you get the lance!". So, it's really best if they can patch things up quickly. Look! Someone just slipped a note under the door and Steve is out playing Ultimate Big Punch Deluxe. Do you read it? Of course! Damn! Steve's fiancée wrote it in her native Eastern European moonspeak. Can you translate it and reunite them in time!?!

Below is a quote from a famous person encoded with a substitution cipher. Each letter has been swapped for another. Today's hint: F equals W.

"'HBP/ ALJTT CBD/ IJAA!'/ HKJL,/ DLJD'A/ FLJD/ XH/ WKQDPX/ DWMKG/ DB/ AJH/ DB/ XH/ NMWAD/ ETJQO/ EBHNWMKCG."/ - AMW/ MJC/ XQOKTTKC

The first person to e-mail me the correct answer at imillermoth@gmail.com wins a prize! If you would like your prize sent to you, include a mailing address with your answer.

Last week's answer:
"I'm glad I was born a brunette. Blondes have always seemed so seasonal to me. " - Harry S Truman