Helpful Hint #1

Having trouble with a disagreeable porcupine? Soak him in conditioner for a day or two. That'll take the fight right out of him. Not so pointy now, are you?

Kids' Games

A few weeks ago I ate at a Wendy's inside a truck stop in Fernley, Nevada. My meal came on this placemat.
No problem here. Oho! The placemat indicates that it has kids' games on its backside!
Well. This certainly isn't full of kids' games. It has a suggestion to spend more time together as a family, and I suppose this picture could be colored, even if that's not mentioned anywhere. And really, coloring is more of an activity than a game. And then there's this.


Oh, come on, Wendy's. Really? This drawing must have been OK'ed by any number of people before it got printed on thousands of placemats and shipped.

And while still not a game, the daughter seems to have found a million things to do.


And Mom looks even worse if she gets colored in.

Dave Thomas must be spinning in his grave. Which, logically, probably has a Wendy's logo on it, and is maybe shaped like a fry box or something.

Fun Fact #1

As a safety precaution all time-lock bank vaults in the U.S. are required to have several non-perishable meals stored in them. Most of the cabinets containing these are disguised as safe deposit boxes on the bottom row.

Lasers?

I love living in the future. The 21st century is pretty God-Damned amazing. There are miracles all around us. Like magnetic giraffes. And lasers. How awesome are lasers? I never imagined I'd live in a world where lasers are as common as unwanted pregnancies. However, even with futuristic-sounding names about lasers the following things aren't nearly as cool as one might expect.

Laser Hair

Laser Hair?

Okay, this one doesn't even really sound cool. I guess I have to give them credit for trying to give people laser powered hair. Or maybe some sort of hair plugs where the hair is actually made from lasers. But if that wasn't dangerous it would probably just look like you have some of those glow necklaces stuck in your hair. Not very cool.

Laser College
Laser College?

This one definitely should be cool. Unfortunately it's not. I'm not even positive what they do in there, but there are no explosions, no holes burned through the walls of the building, no weapons department, no spaceport, no holographic professors to greet you. I think a student here did Bret Michaels' laser hair here and that's why he has to wear that bandanna.

Laser Genesis
Where's Laser Phil Collins?

Upon first hearing "laser genesis" you might remember that it was the Laser Genesis Device that resurrected laser Spock in Star Trek III: The Search for Laser Spock. You'd be wrong. In this case laser genesis is most likely code for Filipino hand-job. Maybe Chinese. That smacks of mistranslation. While cool in its own right, it's not the kind of cool I think should be associated with lasers. Perhaps some day in the near future you'll overhear a man in a bar complaining about getting the clap from the Happy Cantonese Laser Genesis Rejuvenation. That day can't come fast enough, but for now there are no lasers here.

A Printer

Feed it a cat

What's this? A printer? No, it's a friggin' LASER-JET. Anything called a laser jet should be about the coolest God-Damned thing ever. This? Not so much. There is probably a red LED in there somewhere that "lasers" the ink through a "jet" of some sort onto space-paper, but that shit doesn't cut it. This "jet" can't even hover, let alone fly. I see no lasers shooting out of it. Almost any combination of lasers and jets should be awesome, but this thing only prints documents with high fidelity.

At least it uses Xerographic printing, which, while common place, is pretty futuristic. Without it I would probably never get to read a sentence like "Amorphous selenium will hold an electrostatic charge in darkness."

Also, Xenographics would be a great name for a shitty T-shirt shop run by aliens. Maybe they do car decals too.

Actually a pretty sexy printer

OK, this thing looks like a lightsaber and is amazing.

Some Hot Joseph in Your Lap

McDonald's. Now serving gay coffee.

Things That Rhyme With -arp

You guys, I totally made this helpful poster. I suggest you print it and hang it on your fridge. It's the only poorly made chart available of things that rhyme with -arp.

More Country Gravy, Please

I saw that Toby Keith has a restaurant opening out at Northfield Stapleton. It's called Toby Keith’s I ♥ This Bar and Grill. Honestly. Now, I have no problem with country stars slapping their name on some shitty product for a quick buck. Hell, Dwight Yoakam endorses Dwight Yoakam's Chicken Licken's Chicken Fries. Seriously, you can buy them at Walgreen's. And I am OK with that. But Toby Keith's I ♥ This Bar and Grill? That's awful and bound to cause confusion.

This man wants to feed you dinner.

Gandhi: “Hey, where are you guys going?”
Churchill: “I love this bar and grill.”
Gandhi: “Oh, is it really good?”
Churchill: “ I don’t know; I guess. That just what it’s called. I heart this bar and grill. It’s kind of a stupid name but the Nachos are OK. They’re better than Garth Brooks’ Spicy Thunder Rolls over at the Oasis...”

It’s not even confusing and funny like Who’s On First. It’s just a pain in the ass name.

This seems like a real set up for the food critics too.
“I will not return to This Bar and Grill.”
“I loved This Bar and Grill until I ate there.”
“I love the knockers on the hostesses at This Bar and Grill.” And so forth.
And it’s still an awkward name when trying to mock it in a fictitious review.
“ I thought the food was mediocre at Toby Keith’s I love This bar and Grill.”
Maybe he missed a period in there. He thought the food was mediocre, but he loved the place.

Chicken Fries

Conversely, I can totally get behind a name like Dwight Yoakam’s Chicken Licken’s Chicken Fries. It’s baffling in a fun way. Why not call chicken fingers fries? People like fries. Who the hell is Chicken Licken? Did Dwight Yoakam buy the brand from Mrs. Licken on the condition that he still include Mrs. Licken’s name? Is Chicken Licken an actual chicken? If she is, why in God’s name is she selling chicken to eat? That would be like Dwight Yoakam’s Wynonna Judd’s Finger Fries. Which she would probably eat.


Or maybe I’m looking at this wrong. Maybe the second apostrophe isn’t meant to convey ownership. Maybe Chicken Licken crossed Dwight and Chicken Licken IS Chicken Fingers. Chicken Licken was some talking anthropomorphic hen that got in too deep. Dwight taught her a lesson and wants people to know.




I suppose people will just call it "Toby Keith's."