Teen Wolf Too

Below are some excerpts from my upcoming Twilight fan fiction novella, Harvest Moon.

Note: I've never actually read any of the Twilight books, so if any of these excerpts are word-for -word the same as passages from the novels, it's totally a coincidence.

Revving the engine, Edward sped his motorcycle through the night. There was still time; he could sense it. If he was only fast enough, he could still make it. Screeching to stop in front of Bella's house, Edward vaulted off the bike and raced toward the door. She had been right, he shouldn't have eaten that third enchilada.

"Edward! What are you doing in Leningrad?" asked Jacob
"I just wanted to say hi... comrade."

"We were part of an elite yard care service. We tended to the gardens of the nobility. Periodically the lycans would swoop down from the hills, digging holes and pooping everywhere. Thus began a fued that continues to this day. My clan of landscapers was known by our specialty. We were called "Raking Lawn".

"Do you know Jacob's e-mail address?"
"Yeah, I got if from that list at the bumper boat place. It's breakingdongslol@wolfenstein.net."

"Bella, this is the perfect night. The night when I give you everything of myself. The night when finally you surrender the wonders of your body for the first time."
"Sure." mumbled Bella.
"Sure? What 'sure'?" asked Edward, confused.
"Well, I mean, pretty much."
"You haven't given yourself to that filthy mongrel Jacob, have you, my dear?" he said, his anger rising.
"What? Oh, no. But last summer, I was at that party with Jeff Webber, and y'know, he really liked me and we were making out for a
while..."
"He didn't hurt you, did he?"
"No, it's just that we were fooling around for a while in a bedroom, and I sort of let him do it with my butt."
"Bella!"
"Look, he didn't put it in or anything. He just had sex with my butt cheeks. It was kind of like a hotdog in a bun. I also let him watch me pee."
"Cool..."

Edward quickly changed into his alt mode and fired his cannon at the face of the dam.

Bella winced at the afternoon sun. Looking down, she noticed her skin twinkling. Had it truly happened? Had she become one of the immortal? No, she realized, it was just glitter on her from when that clown exploded.

"Bella, it's not just our shapeshifting that makes us different." Jacob explained. "From the time we can walk we are given special training. Most people have no idea about what we really are. But sometimes, bits of the truth come out. Do you remember that TV show Werewolf Accountant? I myself am a level three CPA."

"Jacob! What are you doing on the space station!?" asked Edward, baffled.
"I just wanted to tell you something... igloo buddy." Jacob sneered.
"Noooooooo!"

The Tyrannosaurus hung his head. Bella had finally noticed him, but he had to turn down her offer. He had never learned to Tango!

"Whatever." said Edward. Bella gently leaned her head on Edward's chest, exhaling the aroma of Chili Cheese Fritos.

Jacob looked around nervously, shifting his weight from foot to foot before casually reaching down to adjust his wolf penis.

Sunday Cipher #40 - The Crocodile's Coverage

Below is a quote from a famous person encoded with a substitution cipher. Each letter has been swapped for another. Today's hint: N equals G.

"RWYU/ L/ RVLCY/ M/ TZUN,/ L/ VYMKKB/ CVB/ CZ/ ELQCSVY/ CWY/ QMV/ ZV/ RMCYV/ EMVP/ CWMC/ LC/ RLKK/ YUJ/ SE/ MJFYVCLTLUN."/
- TWYVBK/ QVZR

The first person to e-mail me the correct answer at imillermoth@gmail.com wins a prize! If you would like your prize sent to you, include a mailing address with your answer.

Last week's answer:
"The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was using that expired coupon at Arby's" - St. Thomas Aquinas

Sunday Cipher #37 - The Missing French Toast

Below is a quote from a famous person encoded with a substitution cipher. Each letter has been swapped for another.

This week's quote is from someone whose name is unknown to me and reads like gibberish even when decoded, so you get two hints. Today's hints: A equals J and K equals X.

"BN/ B/ POL/ UD/ LHEQPTHM,/ QPT/ IOMQ/ QPBFV/ B'L/ MTT/ BF/ QPBM/ RXHIL/ RXEIL/ ZT/ UD/ POFL/ MUOYCBFV/ QPOQ/ MUEV/ IXXC/ XNN/ PTH/ NOYT."/
- OVO/ ZXAOKPBE

The first person to e-mail me the correct answer at imillermoth@gmail.com wins a prize! If you would like your prize sent to you, include a mailing address with your answer.

Last week's answer:
"Courage is licking your fingers after eating a chili dog on the toilet." - Henry David Thoreau

Sunday Cipher #20 - Dr. Horrorstein's Bouncy Castle of Repugnance

Doctor Horrorstein is regretting some of his choices. His colitis is acting up something fierce. He never thought about it when he made the purchase, but living in a bouncy castle when you have chronic diarrhea is pretty awful. It looks like the doctor's reign of terror has become a "rain" of terror. If you can't open the puzzle lock on Dr. Horrorstein's cabinet of incontinence supplies before he makes a god-awful mess he's coming to stay with you for a few days while the cleaning crew of the damned makes his castle livable again.

Below is a quote from a famous person encoded with a substitution cipher. Each letter has been swapped for another. Today's hint: I equals L.

"NS/ OZLB/ BWJCH/ PB/ LZYT/ HNLJ/ WNYUNCR/ ZW/ AJPI/ YFNCB/ PB/ YFIIJRJ/ BHZMJCHB/ BWJCM/ YFIIJYHNCR/ SPUJ/ FCJB/ HTJQ/ YFZIM/ WAFOPOIQ/ PSSFAM/ HF/ OZQ/ FCJ/ FS/ FZA/ BQBHJLB"/
- BHJGJ/ CNCHJCMF

The first person to e-mail me the correct answer at imillermoth@gmail.com wins a prize! If you would like your prize sent to you, include a mailing address with your answer.

Last week's answer:
"Torture? You want to talk about torture you should try my wife's meatloaf sometime."
- Donald Rumsfeld

Pulling a Mussel

I really just don't get this ad. I mean, I get all the constituent parts; I simply don't get the ad as a whole. Or maybe I just hate it.


There's a lot I do get about this ad:
I can easily find the name of the restaurant. I see the location. I see the phone number, the website, days it is open, and also the hours for brunch. If I look at the disgusting drawing, I can even tell that there may be some sort of special on mussels and fries. This is where things start to get a little iffy. There is no price for their special, so it may not even be a good deal, but it's available.

There is a lot about this ad I understand, but so, so much more I don't get. What exactly is the Mussel special? I assume that this is an ad for a dinner special. You don't generally see The Burger King just shouting "4 ounce Burger! Several sizes of fries!" so I assume there is some sort of special pricing for 2 Pound Mussels that possibly come with unlimited fries.


Now that I think about it though, the Burger King thing doesn't work as an analogy because I doubt (and really hope) that these degenerates aren't the Le Central mascots. I guess a better comparison would be if Pizza Hut had a crappy drawing of a gay couple bare-backing in a bathroom stall and shouting "3 Pound pizza! Also wings."

You can't tell, but these guys met like 20 minutes ago
and that guy is totally not wearing a condom

Those are some huge-ass mussels, too. 2 pound mussels must be expensive. Maybe the pricing changes constantly with the market. Many seafoods are at "market price" and change daily. Perhaps they should have mentioned that in the ad.


That disgusting drawing is the biggest problem. I mean, Jesus, why is that thing there? It's awful. I realize French cuisine is supposed to be sensual and people are always making some vulgar comparison between bivalves and vulvae, but just a crude drawing of people doin' it? Are these people actually shouting "2 Pound Mussels! Unlimited Fries [No exclamation point. evidently they were mostly pumped about the mussels and then calmed down and just sort of said blandly 'Unlimited Fries']" during intercourse? Were they discussing dinner mid-coitus and that bargain just made them shout? Were they starting to climax and instead of stopping the talk about where to get a good deal on seafood they just yelled it? And are they toasting with wine while this is going on? What are they toasting? The savings? God, it's distasteful. There's all that sweat flying off of them... and she's still clothed...

And what the hell are they lying on? I really can't tell. It looks very thin, like they're precariously balanced on this pile of rolled-up striped blankets that's about 18 inches wide.It kind of looks like they're doing it on the top of a sofa back. Like carpet cleaners just finished and they're stuck on the couch for an hour while it dries. They were stranded on the couch like kids playing the carpet-is-lava game and saw another, wholly different ad for Le Central's Mussels and Fries deal (that presumably included the price) and had to fuck immediately. I don't know why they didn't use the main part of the couch. Maybe there's a bunch of magazines all over it and they don't want them to stick to their obviously dewy flesh. It would leave those weird reverse image ink marks all over their backs. And what the hell is that behind his pillow?


It's clearly made of his flesh. It's so meaty i want it to be part of his lower body, like a third gross thigh something, but that makes it even worse because that means it's really loooong.

And what's wrong with their teeth? Have they been eating the mussels shell-on? I'm pretty sure people who have teeth like that and fuck on couch backs don't go out for fancy French cuisine. They refill their tiny wine glasses from the jug of Carlo Rossi on the floor and then go fuck in the cluttered laundry room while a filthy dog barks at them through the back door. And they love that shit.

I'm still really bothered by that flesh-roll behind his head.

And seriously, why are they advertising a nebulous dinner special with this horrible drawing of people screwing? I'm really not happy about this whole thing.

Cheers.

Fun Fact #1

As a safety precaution all time-lock bank vaults in the U.S. are required to have several non-perishable meals stored in them. Most of the cabinets containing these are disguised as safe deposit boxes on the bottom row.

More Country Gravy, Please

I saw that Toby Keith has a restaurant opening out at Northfield Stapleton. It's called Toby Keith’s I ♥ This Bar and Grill. Honestly. Now, I have no problem with country stars slapping their name on some shitty product for a quick buck. Hell, Dwight Yoakam endorses Dwight Yoakam's Chicken Licken's Chicken Fries. Seriously, you can buy them at Walgreen's. And I am OK with that. But Toby Keith's I ♥ This Bar and Grill? That's awful and bound to cause confusion.

This man wants to feed you dinner.

Gandhi: “Hey, where are you guys going?”
Churchill: “I love this bar and grill.”
Gandhi: “Oh, is it really good?”
Churchill: “ I don’t know; I guess. That just what it’s called. I heart this bar and grill. It’s kind of a stupid name but the Nachos are OK. They’re better than Garth Brooks’ Spicy Thunder Rolls over at the Oasis...”

It’s not even confusing and funny like Who’s On First. It’s just a pain in the ass name.

This seems like a real set up for the food critics too.
“I will not return to This Bar and Grill.”
“I loved This Bar and Grill until I ate there.”
“I love the knockers on the hostesses at This Bar and Grill.” And so forth.
And it’s still an awkward name when trying to mock it in a fictitious review.
“ I thought the food was mediocre at Toby Keith’s I love This bar and Grill.”
Maybe he missed a period in there. He thought the food was mediocre, but he loved the place.

Chicken Fries

Conversely, I can totally get behind a name like Dwight Yoakam’s Chicken Licken’s Chicken Fries. It’s baffling in a fun way. Why not call chicken fingers fries? People like fries. Who the hell is Chicken Licken? Did Dwight Yoakam buy the brand from Mrs. Licken on the condition that he still include Mrs. Licken’s name? Is Chicken Licken an actual chicken? If she is, why in God’s name is she selling chicken to eat? That would be like Dwight Yoakam’s Wynonna Judd’s Finger Fries. Which she would probably eat.


Or maybe I’m looking at this wrong. Maybe the second apostrophe isn’t meant to convey ownership. Maybe Chicken Licken crossed Dwight and Chicken Licken IS Chicken Fingers. Chicken Licken was some talking anthropomorphic hen that got in too deep. Dwight taught her a lesson and wants people to know.




I suppose people will just call it "Toby Keith's."