Helios' Wrath

Bad news, everyone. Isaac Miller (The Moustache) has suffered an accident. I brought it out to a party with me a few weeks ago. A wonderful time was had by all. Many pictures were taken with it. Sadly, I left it in my car overnight, and the next day's heat did a number on it.

It doesn't look bad from this angle

You can see the warp more here

Not good

The moustche's handy traveling case did not escape the sun's fury either:

I have high hopes that I can fix it. The case is easy enough to replace. On the plus side, I haven't shaved in about two weeks. It's not like having another child stops the hurt or replaces the lost one that you loved so much, but maybe this ordeal will give me the understanding I need to finish my biography of Rose Kennedy.

I'm open to any and all suggestions on how to fix this. My best idea as of now is to use a cool iron on it through some parchment paper. I'll keep everyone updated until this tragedy has come to a conclusion, one way or the other.

If you're unfamiliar with my moustache, here are some links:
Isaac Miller (The Moustache) in Facebook
The original article on how it was made

Sunday Cipher #42 - Herman's Permits

Below is a quote from a famous person encoded with a substitution cipher. Each letter has been swapped for another. Today's hint: Z equals I.

"Z'U/ XOFH/ Z/ VFG/ JKNE/ F/ JNSERWWR./ JOKEHRG/ BFLR/ FOVFIG/ GRRURH/ GK/ GRFGKEFO/ WK/ UR."/ - BFNNI/ G/ WNSUFE

The first person to e-mail me the correct answer at imillermoth@gmail.com wins a prize! If you would like your prize sent to you, include a mailing address with your answer.

Last week's answer:
"There is no safe way to open a space suit once you're outside. That means I had to bring some of my poop with me in the lander to leave on the moon." - Alan Shepard

Bitches Always Fake It

This video was a bit of a letdown.

This dog played dead. That's it. She didn't go sailing and have her boat never return. There was no million dollar insurance policy and a false passport. You don't see video of that dog putting a similar dog's corpse in her house and torching the whole thing.

Talk about misleading. Fake its own death?
AOL needs to get their shit together.

Sunday Cipher #41 - Remember to Call Your Mamba

Below is a quote from a famous person encoded with a substitution cipher. Each letter has been swapped for another. Today's hint: T equals F.

"KAJBJ/ GE/ UZ/ EXTJ/ DXI/ KZ/ ZWJU/ X/ EWXFJ/ ESGK/ ZUFJ/ IZS'BJ/ ZSKEGPJ./ KAXK/ HJXUE/ G/ AXP/ KZ/ OBGUM/ EZHJ/ ZT/ HI/ WZZW/ DGKA/ HJ/ GU/ KAJ/ YXUPJB/ KZ/ YJXCJ/ ZU/ KAJ/ HZZU."/
- XYXU/ EAJWXBP

The first person to e-mail me the correct answer at imillermoth@gmail.com wins a prize! If you would like your prize sent to you, include a mailing address with your answer.

Last week's answer:
"When I write a song, I really try to picture the car or water park that it will end up advertising." - Sheryl Crow

Dirty Silk Sheets

I spotted this on the myths portion of Silk Soy Milk's website:

Really, Silk?
It seems like it should go more like this:

Myth: Consuming soy affects sexual orientation.
Reality: Wait what? What are you, twelve? You think drinking soy milk will turn you gay? Seriously?

I know that business is business, and any sale is a good sale, but who is this question directed at? Are there people out there thinking "I'm lactose intolerant and I would still like to enjoy a milky beverage. I've heard about the benefits of soy milk, but I wonder if it will turn me into a queer"?

Including this reassurance on their website doesn't really help the stereotype of vegans and health food junkies(not to mention those lactose intolerants) as limp-wristed nancy boys. In fact, there's even a soy yogurt manufacturer called Nancy's.

Myth: Consuming soy affects sexual orientation.
Reality: There is no scientific evidence that soy consumption affects sexual orientation. I mean, we realize lots of our customers are gay, and most of the rest seem gay, but don't worry, that's totally just how they are. Drinking our fine product won't do that to you. Probably.

Maybe I'm reading this whole thing wrong. Maybe this is aimed at homosexuals who are worried Silk might make them hetero. Maybe it's for people who are looking to be gay, for all the great benefits, but just don't know how. Maybe it's for parents with straight children, who feel that it would behoove their family if at least one of their kids were gay. Like maybe Great-Uncle Thomas left millions of dollars in his will to the first homosexual in the family. Come to think of it, it doesn't say "change" your sexual orientation, just affect it. Like if you drink Silk it will make you bi-curious. Or make you a dom instead of a sub. Or make you an adult baby.

But like it says, there is no scientific evidence that soy consumption affects sexual orientation. All the evidence is anecdotal.

Note: When I went back to look for this page again, I couldn't find it through the front door. Seriously, that's not a joke. If you search for it it's available, but it's not on the site map. Perhaps that page is still in development, or I simply am incompetent at navigating web pages. Here's the direct link to the page if you want it.

C.R.E.A.M.

What do you suppose they call their gift certificates?

Sunday Cipher #40 - The Crocodile's Coverage

Below is a quote from a famous person encoded with a substitution cipher. Each letter has been swapped for another. Today's hint: N equals G.

"RWYU/ L/ RVLCY/ M/ TZUN,/ L/ VYMKKB/ CVB/ CZ/ ELQCSVY/ CWY/ QMV/ ZV/ RMCYV/ EMVP/ CWMC/ LC/ RLKK/ YUJ/ SE/ MJFYVCLTLUN."/
- TWYVBK/ QVZR

The first person to e-mail me the correct answer at imillermoth@gmail.com wins a prize! If you would like your prize sent to you, include a mailing address with your answer.

Last week's answer:
"The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was using that expired coupon at Arby's" - St. Thomas Aquinas