Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Some Hot Joseph in Your Lap

McDonald's. Now serving gay coffee.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Things That Rhyme With -arp

You guys, I totally made this helpful poster. I suggest you print it and hang it on your fridge. It's the only poorly made chart available of things that rhyme with -arp.

Monday, June 14, 2010

More Country Gravy, Please

I saw that Toby Keith has a restaurant opening out at Northfield Stapleton. It's called Toby Keith’s I ♥ This Bar and Grill. Honestly. Now, I have no problem with country stars slapping their name on some shitty product for a quick buck. Hell, Dwight Yoakam endorses Dwight Yoakam's Chicken Licken's Chicken Fries. Seriously, you can buy them at Walgreen's. And I am OK with that. But Toby Keith's I ♥ This Bar and Grill? That's awful and bound to cause confusion.
This man wants to feed you dinner.

Gandhi: “Hey, where are you guys going?”
Churchill: “I love this bar and grill.”

Gandhi: “Oh, is it really good?”

Churchill: “ I don’t know; I guess. That just what it’s called. I heart this bar and grill. It’s kind of a stupid name but the Nachos are OK. They’re better than Garth Brooks’ Spicy Thunder Rolls over at the Oasis...”

It’s not even confusing and funny like Who’s On First. It’s just a pain in the ass name.

This seems like a real set up for the food critics too.
“I will not return to This Bar and Grill.”

“I loved This Bar and Grill until I ate there.”

“I love the knockers on the hostesses at This Bar and Grill.” And so forth.

And it’s still an awkward name when trying to mock it in a fictitious review.

“ I thought the food was mediocre at Toby Keith’s I love This bar and Grill.”

Maybe he missed a period in there. He thought the food was mediocre, but he loved the place.

Chicken Fries

Conversely, I can totally get behind a name like Dwight Yoakam’s Chicken Licken’s Chicken Fries. It’s baffling in a fun way. Why not call chicken fingers fries? People like fries. Who the hell is Chicken Licken? Did Dwight Yoakam buy the brand from Mrs. Licken on the condition that he still include Mrs. Licken’s name? Is Chicken Licken an actual chicken? If she is, why in God’s name is she selling chicken to eat? That would be like Dwight Yoakam’s Wynonna Judd’s Finger Fries. Which she would probably eat.

Or maybe I’m looking at this wrong. Maybe the second apostrophe isn’t meant to convey ownership. Maybe Chicken Licken crossed Dwight and Chicken Licken IS Chicken Fingers. Chicken Licken was some talking anthropomorphic hen that got in too deep. Dwight taught her a lesson and wants people to know.

I suppose people will just call it "Toby Keith's."