After years of scrimping and saving, you're finally on your way to the Kentucky Derby! Your decades-long dream of visiting the finest hat shop in all of Lexington has come true! Perhaps the wise, venerable proprietor can help you decipher the strange message stitched into the lining of your grandfather's trusty fedora! Checking his name tag, you say "Skip, do you think you could help me with something?" Before Skip can answer, the back of the shop bursts into flames! Can you solve the puzzle before it's too late!?
Below is a quote from a famous person encoded with a substitution cipher. Each letter has been swapped for another. Today's hint: T equals F.
"WUMAQ/ MGFJ/ BYQQFL/ HF/ MC/ LC/ MICU:/ QFVYBJ,/ A/ OFIACWOQJ/ MGCWVGM/ MGYM/ YQQ/ MGYM/ OGAM/ TICH/ MGF/ TAIOM/ CUF/ GYL/ IFYQQJ/ GYDDFUFL/ MC/ HF."
- RFTT/ EIALVFO
The first person to e-mail me the correct answer at imillermoth@gmail.com wins a prize! If you would like your prize sent to you, include a mailing address with your answer.
Last week's answer:
"Not only was being skinny and bald good for my image, but fat chicks want to play mamma bird with you, too."
- Mohandas Gandhi
Monday, January 31, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
Fun Fact #5
The original proposed nickname for ALS was Lou-kemia.
However, this idea was shot down by the American Medical Association. AMA President Irvin Abell contended that the nickname was inaccurate, since ALS is a neurodegenerative disease while leukemia is a form of cancer.
Commissioner of Baseball Kenesaw Mountain Landis said it just plain wasn't funny.
Mr. Landis engaging in his own national
pastime - hurling baseballs at orphans
However, this idea was shot down by the American Medical Association. AMA President Irvin Abell contended that the nickname was inaccurate, since ALS is a neurodegenerative disease while leukemia is a form of cancer.
Commissioner of Baseball Kenesaw Mountain Landis said it just plain wasn't funny.
Mr. Landis engaging in his own nationalpastime - hurling baseballs at orphans
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Sunday Cipher #21 - Wings of Desire
Your high school sweetheart managed to track you down after all these years! Montoya's junta tried to prevent your happy reunion, but love conquers all. To celebrate, you two are going to Wim Wenders' new chicken wing restaurant, where your true love was just made head busser! Uh oh! It looks like one of Montoya's men left a secret message written on the sauce-coated paper under your Wim's Almost-Too-Spicy(Faraway, So Close!) Wings! Can you crack the code before the troops arrive?!
Below is a quote from a famous person encoded with a substitution cipher. Each letter has been swapped for another. Today's hint: H equals G.
"IYO/ YIJM/ QKP/ ZDUIH/ PAUIIM/ KIS/ ZKJS/ HYYS/ WYB/ RM/ URKHD,/ ZVO/ WKO/ GEUGAP/ QKIO/ OY/ CJKM/ RKRRK /ZUBS/ QUOE/ MYV,/ OYY/."
- RYEKISKP/ HKISEU
The first person to e-mail me the correct answer at imillermoth@gmail.com wins a prize! If you would like your prize sent to you, include a mailing address with your answer.
Last week's answer:
"If bums spent as much time picking up real coins as college students spend picking up fake ones they could probably afford to buy one of our systems."
- Steve Nintendo
Below is a quote from a famous person encoded with a substitution cipher. Each letter has been swapped for another. Today's hint: H equals G.
"IYO/ YIJM/ QKP/ ZDUIH/ PAUIIM/ KIS/ ZKJS/ HYYS/ WYB/ RM/ URKHD,/ ZVO/ WKO/ GEUGAP/ QKIO/ OY/ CJKM/ RKRRK /ZUBS/ QUOE/ MYV,/ OYY/."
- RYEKISKP/ HKISEU
The first person to e-mail me the correct answer at imillermoth@gmail.com wins a prize! If you would like your prize sent to you, include a mailing address with your answer.
Last week's answer:
"If bums spent as much time picking up real coins as college students spend picking up fake ones they could probably afford to buy one of our systems."
- Steve Nintendo
Thursday, January 20, 2011
It's Not Funny
Bad news, everyone. It looks like not-funny jokes might be back for a while. Every couple years my humor turns toward jokes that aren't funny. I don't mean jokes like the old "No soap, radio" or even the pink golf ball joke. And I don't mean children's corny jokes, old chestnuts that have to have the dust wiped off them before use, or puns that turn boys into groan men. Those are all fine forms, and I enjoy them. In fact, my favorite joke is a shaggy dog story. But every now and again I get on a kick of coming up with jokes that just aren't funny. I've tried telling a few, but no one laughs. I don't laugh. I don't think they're funny. I think I enjoy the idea of these jokes existing and being told, but they should probably stay in the abstract realm.
I think this was the first one I came up with, years back.
Q: What did Frankenstein say to the Wolfman when he saw him in the grocery store?
A: I don't know, probably like, "Hey man, what's up?"
Hm. It's got a few elements going for it- monsters, an atypical location for them, a classic what-did-blank-say-to-blank set-up. Then the punchline fails to deliver.
It could have been a decent joke with a punchline like:
A: "Do you know what aisle the batteries are on?"
or
A: "In this economy, even I'm eating dog food."
Or even if it went toward the metajoke or anti-joke absurdism.
A: "Lighthouse!"
A: "It's closer to my bus than Chicago."
But when this mood strikes me I seem driven to tell jokes that have a set-up with potential and a punchline that sucks any humor from it.
I realized this part of my humor cycle was back earlier today. I was given a golden opportunity to make multiple penis jokes and here's what came out.
A variation on the original:
Q: What did my penis say to the Wolfman when he ran into him in the supermarket?
A: "Oh, hey. Yeah, so I hope shit's not like, weird between us just because I'm dating Christie. I mean, I know you guys were pretty serious, but it's been like 5 months... So, are we cool?"
and
My penis walks into a bar and the bartender thinks "That's a very odd looking customer. It actually looks like a penis. However, I feel that I should not judge my customers by their appearances. If, however, he becomes intoxicated and unruly, I will be forced to ask this penis to leave."
And he says "Hey there, what are you drinking?"
I really kind of like the first one. With minor tweaks it could be good. If it still had the original set-up(or maybe if Dracula was in it; he's funny) and the punchline was shorter, maybe. Like if Dracula says "I fucked your wife". That's funny. Once it gets stretched to "When you were in Kansas last February for that Dental Hygienists' conference, Linda and I started sleeping together. It's been going on for almost a year. Your son knows. Sorry, I just thought you should know."the comedy kind of dies.
And I like the idea of someone telling this sad story as a joke, but it just can't work in real life as a joke you actually tell someone. I've even told jokes like this to people that appreciate absurd, abstract, dense, or pointless humor. No laugh. As mentioned earlier, I don't find these jokes funny either. These might seem kind of funny to you right now, but seriously, try telling one as a joke.
Once I realize un-funny jokes are back I can usually keep them to myself. After that first time of bombing for like a week straight I still have un-funny jokes occur to me, but they stay in.
Q: What did Abraham Lincoln eat for dinner before he went to Ford's Theatre?
A: I'm not sure, but it was probably pretty good, considering he was the President.
Maybe the problem lies in calling these "jokes".
I think this was the first one I came up with, years back.
Q: What did Frankenstein say to the Wolfman when he saw him in the grocery store?
A: I don't know, probably like, "Hey man, what's up?"
Hm. It's got a few elements going for it- monsters, an atypical location for them, a classic what-did-blank-say-to-blank set-up. Then the punchline fails to deliver.
It could have been a decent joke with a punchline like:
A: "Do you know what aisle the batteries are on?"
or
A: "In this economy, even I'm eating dog food."
Or even if it went toward the metajoke or anti-joke absurdism.
A: "Lighthouse!"
A: "It's closer to my bus than Chicago."
But when this mood strikes me I seem driven to tell jokes that have a set-up with potential and a punchline that sucks any humor from it.
I realized this part of my humor cycle was back earlier today. I was given a golden opportunity to make multiple penis jokes and here's what came out.
A variation on the original:
Q: What did my penis say to the Wolfman when he ran into him in the supermarket?
A: "Oh, hey. Yeah, so I hope shit's not like, weird between us just because I'm dating Christie. I mean, I know you guys were pretty serious, but it's been like 5 months... So, are we cool?"
and
My penis walks into a bar and the bartender thinks "That's a very odd looking customer. It actually looks like a penis. However, I feel that I should not judge my customers by their appearances. If, however, he becomes intoxicated and unruly, I will be forced to ask this penis to leave."
And he says "Hey there, what are you drinking?"
I really kind of like the first one. With minor tweaks it could be good. If it still had the original set-up(or maybe if Dracula was in it; he's funny) and the punchline was shorter, maybe. Like if Dracula says "I fucked your wife". That's funny. Once it gets stretched to "When you were in Kansas last February for that Dental Hygienists' conference, Linda and I started sleeping together. It's been going on for almost a year. Your son knows. Sorry, I just thought you should know."the comedy kind of dies.
And I like the idea of someone telling this sad story as a joke, but it just can't work in real life as a joke you actually tell someone. I've even told jokes like this to people that appreciate absurd, abstract, dense, or pointless humor. No laugh. As mentioned earlier, I don't find these jokes funny either. These might seem kind of funny to you right now, but seriously, try telling one as a joke.
Once I realize un-funny jokes are back I can usually keep them to myself. After that first time of bombing for like a week straight I still have un-funny jokes occur to me, but they stay in.
Q: What did Abraham Lincoln eat for dinner before he went to Ford's Theatre?
A: I'm not sure, but it was probably pretty good, considering he was the President.
Maybe the problem lies in calling these "jokes".
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Sunday Cipher #20 - Dr. Horrorstein's Bouncy Castle of Repugnance
Doctor Horrorstein is regretting some of his choices. His colitis is acting up something fierce. He never thought about it when he made the purchase, but living in a bouncy castle when you have chronic diarrhea is pretty awful. It looks like the doctor's reign of terror has become a "rain" of terror. If you can't open the puzzle lock on Dr. Horrorstein's cabinet of incontinence supplies before he makes a god-awful mess he's coming to stay with you for a few days while the cleaning crew of the damned makes his castle livable again.
Below is a quote from a famous person encoded with a substitution cipher. Each letter has been swapped for another. Today's hint: I equals L.
"NS/ OZLB/ BWJCH/ PB/ LZYT/ HNLJ/ WNYUNCR/ ZW/ AJPI/ YFNCB/ PB/ YFIIJRJ/ BHZMJCHB/ BWJCM/ YFIIJYHNCR/ SPUJ/ FCJB/ HTJQ/ YFZIM/ WAFOPOIQ/ PSSFAM/ HF/ OZQ/ FCJ/ FS/ FZA/ BQBHJLB"/
- BHJGJ/ CNCHJCMF
The first person to e-mail me the correct answer at imillermoth@gmail.com wins a prize! If you would like your prize sent to you, include a mailing address with your answer.
Last week's answer:
"Torture? You want to talk about torture you should try my wife's meatloaf sometime."
- Donald Rumsfeld
Below is a quote from a famous person encoded with a substitution cipher. Each letter has been swapped for another. Today's hint: I equals L.
"NS/ OZLB/ BWJCH/ PB/ LZYT/ HNLJ/ WNYUNCR/ ZW/ AJPI/ YFNCB/ PB/ YFIIJRJ/ BHZMJCHB/ BWJCM/ YFIIJYHNCR/ SPUJ/ FCJB/ HTJQ/ YFZIM/ WAFOPOIQ/ PSSFAM/ HF/ OZQ/ FCJ/ FS/ FZA/ BQBHJLB"/
- BHJGJ/ CNCHJCMF
The first person to e-mail me the correct answer at imillermoth@gmail.com wins a prize! If you would like your prize sent to you, include a mailing address with your answer.
Last week's answer:
"Torture? You want to talk about torture you should try my wife's meatloaf sometime."
- Donald Rumsfeld
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Daryl Hannah Begs to Differ
I recently happened upon a movie I had totally forgotten.
Once I saw it, I clearly remembered the cover to this video tape. But somehow, I had entirely forgotten that Ghosts Can't Do It is a real movie. It's from 1989 and stars Bo Derek and Anthony Quinn, and was directed by Bo's husband John Derek. It's totally about ghosts not being able to do it.
I'm so embarrassed that I didn't remember this movie. It even has Bo Derek in a wet t-shirt on the cover; I would think that seeing that box(the video tape, not Bo Derek. God, you're crass) at 13 years old would have cemented GCDI into my mental catalog of movies. Maybe being 13 is why I recalled the box picture but not the title. Man, I could not only have been making jokes about GCDI for the last 20 years, I could've also been informing people that a movie called Ghosts Can't Do It does in fact exist. Obviously I'm going to start now.
Also it's horrible.
From The New York Times: "The final cinematic abomination from the late John Derek and his legendary non-actress wife Bo Derek turns out to be their worst collaboration ever, beating out even Bolero for sheer incomprehensible awfulness and ranking as one of the silliest monstrosities ever committed to film."
And from TV Guide.com: "Pull on your hip boots and restrain the horses: it's the worst-ever movie from John and Bo Derek, which makes it one of the low points of what passes for civilization in the 20th century."
In other words, I will be watching this movie soon.
From the Wikipedia and IMDb synopses I believed this film to be a drama, but this(which really looks like it's the actual trailer) makes it seem otherwise.
Evidently it's a comedy about drowning a younger man in order to possess his corpse and screw your trophy wife once more. And just how did Anthony Quinn's character die? He had a heart attack, which left his heart too weak to keep pounding Bo Derek night and day, so he ate a shotgun! Sounds hilarious!
I think it's easy to be deceived by the articles. IMDb tags it with Romance, Fantasy, And yes, Comedy. However, many dramas with lighthearted moments get tagged with "Comedy". And that box cover does not say supernatural romp. It says... something. Not sure what, but it's got a couple serious pics of Bo, one with a wet t-shirt, and it clearly is about doing it.
OK, this one literally says comedy, but the
Thankfully this wasn't the last film for two-time Oscar winner Quinn. This was not his Street Fighter or Transformers: The Movie. No, he went on to appear in films like The Old Man and The Sea, Jungle Fever, The Last Action Hero, and lots of Hercules crap. His distinguished career finally came to an end with the blockbuster Stallone picture Avenging Angelo. Remember that one? Me neither.
This was also Julie Newmar(the first TV Catwoman)'s last role before she was annihilated by a fully operational baler on the set of a Green Acres reunion. No one could explain her presence there, since she had never been on Green Acres and hated Eddie Albert.
But anyway, this isn't about Anthony Quinn, Bo Derek, or even Julie Newmar. This is about the fact that there is a movie called Ghosts Can't Do It and that's freaking hilarious. Also scientifically inaccurate.
Once I saw it, I clearly remembered the cover to this video tape. But somehow, I had entirely forgotten that Ghosts Can't Do It is a real movie. It's from 1989 and stars Bo Derek and Anthony Quinn, and was directed by Bo's husband John Derek. It's totally about ghosts not being able to do it.
I'm so embarrassed that I didn't remember this movie. It even has Bo Derek in a wet t-shirt on the cover; I would think that seeing that box(the video tape, not Bo Derek. God, you're crass) at 13 years old would have cemented GCDI into my mental catalog of movies. Maybe being 13 is why I recalled the box picture but not the title. Man, I could not only have been making jokes about GCDI for the last 20 years, I could've also been informing people that a movie called Ghosts Can't Do It does in fact exist. Obviously I'm going to start now.
Also it's horrible.
From The New York Times: "The final cinematic abomination from the late John Derek and his legendary non-actress wife Bo Derek turns out to be their worst collaboration ever, beating out even Bolero for sheer incomprehensible awfulness and ranking as one of the silliest monstrosities ever committed to film."
And from TV Guide.com: "Pull on your hip boots and restrain the horses: it's the worst-ever movie from John and Bo Derek, which makes it one of the low points of what passes for civilization in the 20th century."
In other words, I will be watching this movie soon.
From the Wikipedia and IMDb synopses I believed this film to be a drama, but this(which really looks like it's the actual trailer) makes it seem otherwise.
Evidently it's a comedy about drowning a younger man in order to possess his corpse and screw your trophy wife once more. And just how did Anthony Quinn's character die? He had a heart attack, which left his heart too weak to keep pounding Bo Derek night and day, so he ate a shotgun! Sounds hilarious!
I think it's easy to be deceived by the articles. IMDb tags it with Romance, Fantasy, And yes, Comedy. However, many dramas with lighthearted moments get tagged with "Comedy". And that box cover does not say supernatural romp. It says... something. Not sure what, but it's got a couple serious pics of Bo, one with a wet t-shirt, and it clearly is about doing it.
OK, this one literally says comedy, but the picture is dead serious about her wet boobs.
Thankfully this wasn't the last film for two-time Oscar winner Quinn. This was not his Street Fighter or Transformers: The Movie. No, he went on to appear in films like The Old Man and The Sea, Jungle Fever, The Last Action Hero, and lots of Hercules crap. His distinguished career finally came to an end with the blockbuster Stallone picture Avenging Angelo. Remember that one? Me neither.
This was also Julie Newmar(the first TV Catwoman)'s last role before she was annihilated by a fully operational baler on the set of a Green Acres reunion. No one could explain her presence there, since she had never been on Green Acres and hated Eddie Albert.
But anyway, this isn't about Anthony Quinn, Bo Derek, or even Julie Newmar. This is about the fact that there is a movie called Ghosts Can't Do It and that's freaking hilarious. Also scientifically inaccurate.
Monday, January 10, 2011
You're Not Really Missing Much
Are you one of the billions of people that has never sent in an answer for The Swarm's Sunday Cipher? If you are, you may not be aware that there is not only an amazing first prize each week, but also a fabulous consolation prize just for playing! Below are a few of the original drawings by Isaac Miller that were awarded as prizes to the runners-up in The Swarm's weekly Sunday Cipher contest.
Crab Car Wash
Cool Rat
Knife in a Drawer
The Lonliest Vending Machine
[that's not spelled right at all!]
Hair Cycle
Hanta-ed Telephone
Crab Car Wash
Cool Rat
Knife in a Drawer
The Lonliest Vending Machine[that's not spelled right at all!]
Hair Cycle
Hanta-ed TelephoneSunday, January 9, 2011
Sunday Cipher #19 - Spice Cake and Intrigue
Bernd and Sangwan slipped you the key to the baker's shop yesterday inside a commemorative deck of nudie playing cards. You made it to the baker's with no trouble. Now that you're inside, you see the baker slumped over the decorating table, the tip of a pastry bag jammed into his jugular! Wait, that baker is Henri, and that's not strawberry filling! There is a spice cake still on the table in front of Henri and the lettering on top is just barely legible. Can you decipher Henri's last message before Klaus marries the referee!?
Below is a quote from a famous person encoded with a substitution cipher. Each letter has been swapped for another. Today's hint: U equals D.
"ZVYZRYS?/ XVR/ CLKZ/ ZV/ ZLNT/ LDVRZ/ ZVYZRYS/ XVR/ EOVRNU/ ZYX/ AX/ CQHS'E/ ASLZNVLH/ EVASZQAS."/
- UVKLNU/ YRAEHSNU
The first person to e-mail me the correct answer at imillermoth@gmail.com wins a prize! If you would like your prize sent to you, include a mailing address with your answer.
Last week's answer:
"New Year's Day is the first chance that you have each year to lie to yourself about all the things you are going to change; you may as well lie big."
- Deepak Chopra
Below is a quote from a famous person encoded with a substitution cipher. Each letter has been swapped for another. Today's hint: U equals D.
"ZVYZRYS?/ XVR/ CLKZ/ ZV/ ZLNT/ LDVRZ/ ZVYZRYS/ XVR/ EOVRNU/ ZYX/ AX/ CQHS'E/ ASLZNVLH/ EVASZQAS."/
- UVKLNU/ YRAEHSNU
The first person to e-mail me the correct answer at imillermoth@gmail.com wins a prize! If you would like your prize sent to you, include a mailing address with your answer.
Last week's answer:
"New Year's Day is the first chance that you have each year to lie to yourself about all the things you are going to change; you may as well lie big."
- Deepak Chopra
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Sunday Cipher #18 - Open Mic Night at the Abottoir
Johnson's Olde Fashioned Manual Slaughterhouse is holding its first annual open mic night! Bessie the Cow just put the final touches on her stand-up comedy act! Her main competition is that heifer Rebecca and her prop comedy. Luckily for Bessie everyone hates prop comics. With a good set, Bessie just might earn the top prize! Unfortunately it's not her freedom; all the cows will still be slaughtered. But with a win she'll probably first have time to enjoy the three jugs of Tropicana Pure Premium Lots of Pulp Orange Juice that cows adore! Solve the puzzle below and somehow help Bessie win that OJ!
Below is a quote from a famous person encoded with a substitution cipher. Each letter has been swapped for another. Today's hint: X equals L. Also Y equals P.
"KWA/ MWSN'H/ OSM/ PH/ QCW/ BPNHQ/ ZCSKZW/ QCSQ/ MUG/ CSTW/ WSZC/ MWSN/ QU/ XPW/ QU/ MUGNHWXB/ SJUGQ/ SXX/ QCW/ QCPKLH/ MUG/ SNW/ LUPKL/ QU/ ZCSKLW;/ MUG/ VSM/ SH/ AWXX/ XPW/ JPL."
- OWWYSE/ ZCUYNS
The first person to e-mail me the correct answer at imillermoth@gmail.com wins a prize! If you would like your prize sent to you, include a mailing address with your answer.
Last week's answer:
"I merely muttered that the stall door had a "sucky lock" and the undercover copper misheard me." - George Michael
Below is a quote from a famous person encoded with a substitution cipher. Each letter has been swapped for another. Today's hint: X equals L. Also Y equals P.
"KWA/ MWSN'H/ OSM/ PH/ QCW/ BPNHQ/ ZCSKZW/ QCSQ/ MUG/ CSTW/ WSZC/ MWSN/ QU/ XPW/ QU/ MUGNHWXB/ SJUGQ/ SXX/ QCW/ QCPKLH/ MUG/ SNW/ LUPKL/ QU/ ZCSKLW;/ MUG/ VSM/ SH/ AWXX/ XPW/ JPL."
- OWWYSE/ ZCUYNS
The first person to e-mail me the correct answer at imillermoth@gmail.com wins a prize! If you would like your prize sent to you, include a mailing address with your answer.
Last week's answer:
"I merely muttered that the stall door had a "sucky lock" and the undercover copper misheard me." - George Michael
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