Friday, September 23, 2011

Dread and Circuses

The circus is coming to town!

Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus is coming to Denver and they are advertising all over town with these billboards.

Fully Charged! Megawatts of Fun! From the text and the pictures of elephants I have to assume Ringling Brothers is following in the footsteps of that genius inventor Thomas Edison by electrocuting elephants nightly.

For those of you that are unaware, during the so-called "War of Currents" between AC and DC power, Edison electrocuted a number of dogs, cats, cattle, a few horses, and yes, an elephant. Here's a video.

And now Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus is doing it live every night! Needless to say, I will be going to the circus. It will be awesome. And before anyone starts complaining about it being animal cruelty, remember that circus folk have to eat too, and I don't think you want them rubbing elbows with you at the lunch counter, now do you? So let them eat their elephant in peace. I can also hear some of you are thinking, "But aren't there only like 100 elephants left in the whole world? Won't this burn up all the elephants we have left?" Of course not. Think about it. There are elephants roaming all over India, doing fine without any supervision. Also, pretty much every zoo everywhere has a couple. Hollywood movie studios rent elephants all the time, so there must be lots of elephants in Southern California. Ringling Bros clearly owns lots of them. They wouldn't burn through their last couple elephants for one awesome tour, so they must have a bunch. See? Plenty of elephants. And besides, these elephants are the property of Ringling Bros. If I feel like electrocuting my ficus(a living plant) no one complains; Ringling Bros should be afforded the same courtesy.

Perhaps most importantly, the U.S. has fallen behind in circus dominance and frying elephants may give us a little boost in world popularity. All over Europe and Russia they have classic clowning and miming. France has that Cirque du Soleil thing, which is huge. Hell, John C. Reilly even made a movie about it. But the real powerhouse in the field right now is China. It's just one more area where America is losing ground to those yellow reds. I mean, check this out:

That's right. It's a fucking lion riding a horse. That's what circuses in China are doing right now. You know how great your kids birthday would be if you took him to see a lion riding a horse? Pretty great.

Man, look at that. That lion is loving it. The horse probably is, too. How cool is that? Animal cruelty? Maybe. don't care.

I mean really, in Europe they eat horses. In Africa they eat zebras(I assume) and they're just fancy horses. In America we just run them around in circles, women sniff them and go all wobbly in the knees, and maybe like 40 cowboys ride them at work. Also those horse cops. So this horse being part of an amazing spectacle is likely the best that that horse could have hoped for. And cruel for the lion? I believe we already established that he's loving it. Besides, lions are obsolete.

They also have a tiger.

It seems to me that we'd be letting the those un-American commies, and by extension the terrorists, win if we didn't electrocute elephants at the circus. We simply can't let relevance in yet another field slip out of America's grasp.

So pop the popcorn, spin the cotton candy, and uncap the conductive jelly! I'm going to the circus!

Monday, September 19, 2011

They're Not Genies for Christ's Sake

It would be pretty awesome if a terminally ill child was approached by the Make-A-Wish Foundation and this exchange took place:

MAWF Guy: Do you want to go to Disney World with Taylor Swift?
Kid: I had in mind something a little more radical.
MAWF Guy: What... What seems to be the problem?
Kid: Death.
MAWF Guy: Death. Well, I'm afraid that's a little out of my jurisdiction.
Kid: I want more life, fucker.

It wouldn't be very awesome when the kid eventually succumbs to whatever horrible illness he has, but sometimes sacrifices must be made in the name of comedy.

If you were wondering, his name was Bill. They used to call him Billy, but when he got sick his dad told him he was going to have to be brave.They switched to calling him Bill as a constant reminder that he was just as grown-up and just as brave as any other adult. Sometimes when it was only his parents around, his mom would still call him Billy. His dad would always say "It's Bill now honey. " and she would cry a little. (I'm kidding of course. Children don't die from awful diseases in real life. That would be horrible and no God would let that happen)

Not sure what the hell I'm talking about with that dialogue? It's from Blade Runner.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Sunday Cipher #43 - Knight in Shining Fold-Out

Uh oh! Your friend's finacée threw him out of the condo after he called her Tuesday Weld in bed! And now he's staying with you! Also, he's not really like one of your best friends. I mean, he's okay to hang out with, but he's kind of an ass. Like, his name is Steve Knight, but he always wants people to call him "Knight" and he makes really shitty jokes about it. He says stuff like "I was the best Knight of that chick's life" and "You mess with the Knight and you get the lance!". So, it's really best if they can patch things up quickly. Look! Someone just slipped a note under the door and Steve is out playing Ultimate Big Punch Deluxe. Do you read it? Of course! Damn! Steve's fiancée wrote it in her native Eastern European moonspeak. Can you translate it and reunite them in time!?!

Below is a quote from a famous person encoded with a substitution cipher. Each letter has been swapped for another. Today's hint: F equals W.


The first person to e-mail me the correct answer at wins a prize! If you would like your prize sent to you, include a mailing address with your answer.

Last week's answer:
"I'm glad I was born a brunette. Blondes have always seemed so seasonal to me. " - Harry S Truman

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Helios' Wrath

Bad news, everyone. Isaac Miller (The Moustache) has suffered an accident. I brought it out to a party with me a few weeks ago. A wonderful time was had by all. Many pictures were taken with it. Sadly, I left it in my car overnight, and the next day's heat did a number on it.

It doesn't look bad from this angle

You can see the warp more here

Not good

The moustche's handy traveling case did not escape the sun's fury either:

I have high hopes that I can fix it. The case is easy enough to replace. On the plus side, I haven't shaved in about two weeks. It's not like having another child stops the hurt or replaces the lost one that you loved so much, but maybe this ordeal will give me the understanding I need to finish my biography of Rose Kennedy.

I'm open to any and all suggestions on how to fix this. My best idea as of now is to use a cool iron on it through some parchment paper. I'll keep everyone updated until this tragedy has come to a conclusion, one way or the other.

If you're unfamiliar with my moustache, here are some links:
Isaac Miller (The Moustache) in Facebook
The original article on how it was made

Monday, September 12, 2011

Sunday Cipher #42 - Herman's Permits

Below is a quote from a famous person encoded with a substitution cipher. Each letter has been swapped for another. Today's hint: Z equals I.


The first person to e-mail me the correct answer at wins a prize! If you would like your prize sent to you, include a mailing address with your answer.

Last week's answer:
"There is no safe way to open a space suit once you're outside. That means I had to bring some of my poop with me in the lander to leave on the moon." - Alan Shepard

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Bitches Always Fake It

This video was a bit of a letdown.

This dog played dead. That's it. She didn't go sailing and have her boat never return. There was no million dollar insurance policy and a false passport. You don't see video of that dog putting a similar dog's corpse in her house and torching the whole thing.

Talk about misleading. Fake its own death?
AOL needs to get their shit together.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Sunday Cipher #41 - Remember to Call Your Mamba

Below is a quote from a famous person encoded with a substitution cipher. Each letter has been swapped for another. Today's hint: T equals F.


The first person to e-mail me the correct answer at wins a prize! If you would like your prize sent to you, include a mailing address with your answer.

Last week's answer:
"When I write a song, I really try to picture the car or water park that it will end up advertising." - Sheryl Crow

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Dirty Silk Sheets

I spotted this on the myths portion of Silk Soy Milk's website:

It's not gay if you drink it when the lights are out. And you're drunk.

Really, Silk?
It seems like it should go more like this:

Myth: Consuming soy affects sexual orientation.
Wait what? What are you, twelve? You think drinking soy milk will turn you gay? Seriously?

I know that business is business, and any sale is a good sale, but who is this question directed at? Are there people out there thinking "I'm lactose intolerant and I would still like to enjoy a milky beverage. I've heard about the benefits of soy milk, but I wonder if it will turn me into a queer"?

Including this reassurance on their website doesn't really help the stereotype of vegans and health food junkies(not to mention those lactose intolerants) as limp-wristed nancy boys. In fact, there's even a soy yogurt manufacturer called Nancy's.

Myth: Consuming soy affects sexual orientation.
Reality: There is no scientific evidence that soy consumption affects sexual orientation. I mean, we realize lots of our customers are gay, and most of the rest seem gay, but don't worry, that's totally just how they are. Drinking our fine product won't do that to you. Probably.

Maybe I'm reading this whole thing wrong. Maybe this is aimed at homosexuals who are worried Silk might make them hetero. Maybe it's for people who are looking to be gay, for all the great benefits, but just don't know how. Maybe it's for parents with straight children, who feel that it would behoove their family if at least one of their kids were gay. Like maybe Great-Uncle Thomas left millions of dollars in his will to the first homosexual in the family. Come to think of it, it doesn't say "change" your sexual orientation, just affect it. Like if you drink Silk it will make you bi-curious. Or make you a dom instead of a sub. Or make you an adult baby.

But like it says, there is no scientific evidence that soy consumption affects sexual orientation. All the evidence is anecdotal.

Note: When I went back to look for this page again, I couldn't find it through the front door. Seriously, that's not a joke. If you search for it it's available, but it's not on the site map. Perhaps that page is still in development, or I simply am incompetent at navigating web pages. Here's the direct link to the page if you want it.