Sunday Cipher #44 - The Tetanus Racket

Oh no! You just woke up, and you're manacled to the wall in some dank pit! That's the last time you party with your 11-year-old niece. Bitch is crazy. How are you going to get unchained from the wall?! Speaking of walls, these ones are closing in! And they have rusty spikes on them! And your tetanus vaccination isn't up to date! Wait! There's a message scrawled on the wall! Maybe there is a way out! But it's in code! Can you figure out the message in time!?

Below is a quote from a famous person encoded with a substitution cipher. Each letter has been swapped for another. Today's hint: J equals B.

"YB/ LDKY/ DRFZEYY/ GRZ/ WKAL/ RZ/ EZLKFE/ DBFYE/ BAA/ LDE/ TFBNZX/ SNYL/ YB/ IBN/ GRZ/ ONL/ ORZLY/ BZ/ KL?/ BD,/ IBN/ XFBOOEX/ IBNF/ OEZGKW;/ K'WW/ TFRJ/ KL."/ - GRLDEFKZE/ LDE/ TFERL

The first person to e-mail me the correct answer at imillermoth@gmail.com wins a prize! If you would like your prize sent to you, include a mailing address with your answer.

Last week's answer:
"'You shall not pass!' Yeah, that's what my rectum tried to say to my first black boyfriend." - Sir Ian McKellen

Dirty Silk Sheets

I spotted this on the myths portion of Silk Soy Milk's website:

Really, Silk?
It seems like it should go more like this:

Myth: Consuming soy affects sexual orientation.
Reality: Wait what? What are you, twelve? You think drinking soy milk will turn you gay? Seriously?

I know that business is business, and any sale is a good sale, but who is this question directed at? Are there people out there thinking "I'm lactose intolerant and I would still like to enjoy a milky beverage. I've heard about the benefits of soy milk, but I wonder if it will turn me into a queer"?

Including this reassurance on their website doesn't really help the stereotype of vegans and health food junkies(not to mention those lactose intolerants) as limp-wristed nancy boys. In fact, there's even a soy yogurt manufacturer called Nancy's.

Myth: Consuming soy affects sexual orientation.
Reality: There is no scientific evidence that soy consumption affects sexual orientation. I mean, we realize lots of our customers are gay, and most of the rest seem gay, but don't worry, that's totally just how they are. Drinking our fine product won't do that to you. Probably.

Maybe I'm reading this whole thing wrong. Maybe this is aimed at homosexuals who are worried Silk might make them hetero. Maybe it's for people who are looking to be gay, for all the great benefits, but just don't know how. Maybe it's for parents with straight children, who feel that it would behoove their family if at least one of their kids were gay. Like maybe Great-Uncle Thomas left millions of dollars in his will to the first homosexual in the family. Come to think of it, it doesn't say "change" your sexual orientation, just affect it. Like if you drink Silk it will make you bi-curious. Or make you a dom instead of a sub. Or make you an adult baby.

But like it says, there is no scientific evidence that soy consumption affects sexual orientation. All the evidence is anecdotal.

Note: When I went back to look for this page again, I couldn't find it through the front door. Seriously, that's not a joke. If you search for it it's available, but it's not on the site map. Perhaps that page is still in development, or I simply am incompetent at navigating web pages. Here's the direct link to the page if you want it.

Helpful Hint #2

Looking for a way to inject a little hot fun into your humdrum life?
Try this:

When I see a rainbow sticker on something, I like to think that it's not the owner of the object that's gay, but the object itself.

Oh, you're a homosexual? Don't really care.
Wait, your boat is gay? Now that's something!

The GuyPhone and his hot black boyfriend