Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Daryl Hannah Begs to Differ

I recently happened upon a movie I had totally forgotten.

Once I saw it, I clearly remembered the cover to this video tape. But somehow, I had entirely forgotten that Ghosts Can't Do It is a real movie. It's from 1989 and stars Bo Derek and Anthony Quinn, and was directed by Bo's husband John Derek. It's totally about ghosts not being able to do it.

I'm so embarrassed that I didn't remember this movie. It even has Bo Derek in a wet t-shirt on the cover; I would think that seeing that box(the video tape, not Bo Derek. God, you're crass) at 13 years old would have cemented GCDI into my mental catalog of movies. Maybe being 13 is why I recalled the box picture but not the title. Man, I could not only have been making jokes about GCDI for the last 20 years, I could've also been informing people that a movie called Ghosts Can't Do It does in fact exist. Obviously I'm going to start now.

Also it's horrible.

From The New York Times: "The final cinematic abomination from the late John Derek and his legendary non-actress wife Bo Derek turns out to be their worst collaboration ever, beating out even Bolero for sheer incomprehensible awfulness and ranking as one of the silliest monstrosities ever committed to film."

And from TV "Pull on your hip boots and restrain the horses: it's the worst-ever movie from John and Bo Derek, which makes it one of the low points of what passes for civilization in the 20th century."

In other words, I will be watching this movie soon.

From the Wikipedia and IMDb synopses I believed this film to be a drama, but this(which really looks like it's the actual trailer) makes it seem otherwise.

Evidently it's a comedy about drowning a younger man in order to possess his corpse and screw your trophy wife once more. And just how did Anthony Quinn's character die? He had a heart attack, which left his heart too weak to keep pounding Bo Derek night and day, so he ate a shotgun! Sounds hilarious!

I think it's easy to be deceived by the articles. IMDb tags it with Romance, Fantasy, And yes, Comedy. However, many dramas with lighthearted moments get tagged with "Comedy". And that box cover does not say supernatural romp. It says... something. Not sure what, but it's got a couple serious pics of Bo, one with a wet t-shirt, and it clearly is about doing it.

OK, this one literally says comedy, but the
picture is dead serious about her wet boobs.

Thankfully this wasn't the last film for two-time Oscar winner Quinn. This was not his Street Fighter or Transformers: The Movie. No, he went on to appear in films like The Old Man and The Sea, Jungle Fever, The Last Action Hero, and lots of Hercules crap. His distinguished career finally came to an end with the blockbuster Stallone picture Avenging Angelo. Remember that one? Me neither.

This was also Julie Newmar(the first TV Catwoman)'s last role before she was annihilated by a fully operational baler on the set of a Green Acres reunion. No one could explain her presence there, since she had never been on Green Acres and hated Eddie Albert.

But anyway, this isn't about Anthony Quinn, Bo Derek, or even Julie Newmar. This is about the fact that there is a movie called Ghosts Can't Do It and that's freaking hilarious. Also scientifically inaccurate.

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