Sunday Cipher #16 - Sammy the Whale's Dilemma

Sammy the Whale has a whale of a problem! His fiancée just came back from Baseball Fantasy Camp. While she was there Carol(that's Sammy's fiancée's name, and yes she's also a whale) left a drunken voice-mail that gave Sammy the distinct impression that she had just slept with one of the other campers. She didn't say anything definite, but he's pretty sure she screwed some guy from Tampa. Should Sammy sit down with Carol and try to get to the bottom of this in a calm manner, or should he tell her about getting loaded and nailing her sister Margaret when Carol was in the hospital six years ago having ovarian cysts removed? Help Sammy solve the code below and save his marriage?

Below is a quote from a famous person encoded with a substitution cipher. Each letter has been swapped for another. Today's hint: K equals Q.

"N/ DFZG/ SY/ TNUA/ UAG/ NXGF/ LBV/ UAG/ FKSFPSOC/ BOG/ XFQ/ FW/ N/ TFW/ ABPXNOC/ F/ MSVPFY/ WFDE/ BL/ ENUUGOW/ SOXGV/ UAG/ TFUGV./ N/ UABSCAU/ BL/ F/ TFQ/ N/ DBSPX/ PNJG/ SOXGVTFUGV/ TANPG/ UAGWG/ ENUUGOW/ XNGX/ WB/ GFWNPQ."/
- HFDKSGW/ DBSWUGFS

The first person to e-mail me the correct answer at imillermoth@gmail.com wins a prize! If you would like your prize sent to you, include a mailing address with your answer.

Last week's answer:
"There was a little misunderstanding with that whole 'Emancipation Proclamation' thing. It was supposed to be a couple days off to say 'thanks', then straight back to the grindstone. They all seemed so happy I didn't have the heart to correct the error." - Abraham Lincoln

I Forgot about Her Adamantium Coated Skeleton

I'm supposed to believe that 8 grown men can't carry Elizabeth Edwards' casket and need wheels under it? I bet that's where they hid Curly's gold! Tacky, I know. It's too soon, I know. Sorry, but this is actually what went through my mind when I saw this picture: "That coffin can't be that heavy, they must have put something in it, like bars of gold!" It reminds me of the end of the original Ocean's 11.
Also, what are they going to do about those stairs?

Metal Head

Here's a poem I wrote a long time ago. It was probably written in 2001, maybe 2000. It's got sexy content. It appears here in its original form.

Metal Head

I love your Metal Head.
I love the sound it makes
When it bumps my head board.

Your reality distortion chip
Blows my mind
It forces horrendous
Thoughts into my brain

Your metal head is the most

Sometimes I try to
Crush it when we fuck
It always bruises my fingertips
Like my hips bruise your pelvis
I could squeeze 'til the cows
Come home, and it's still hard

I love your sexy metal head
When you come down the hall
To my apartment
And you reek from the sex
We're about to have

You've got your impenetrable
Metal head and your
Bag of Hostess products

Your crotch has soaked everything,
Not just your clothes.
The carpet squishes with every
step you take down the hall
And people start calling me from
Eight blocks away, complaining
About the smell.

A Ding Dong falls out of
Your bag as you turn to
Knock on my door.

The cigarette held by your metal jaw
Pushes against my door
And the smoke circles
Around your metal head.

I know it's you, because I
Can't see anymore
Your reality distortion chip
Has blinded me for now.
I can also smell the
Saturated carpet
I don't know if we'll ever
Leave here again.
One or both of our lives
May end in this apartment.
Maybe tonight or in forty years.

I wish I knew what was in
Your metal head

I can hear three distinct clicks
In your metal head when
you light a new cigarette.
You've eaten five Ding Dongs in
The past half hour.

What do you think in your metal head?

I'll try to crush your
Metal head again tonight
Just because I know I can't
You know I'd cry if I did.

I love your metal head.

Fun Fact #4 and Others

Fun Fact: Cyborg, the 1989 sci-fi action flick starring Jean-Claude Van Damme, was actually born from aborted attempts at a Masters of the Universe sequel and a Spider-man movie.

Funner Fact: Masters of the Universe was originally intended to be one of the many big-screen adaptations of Charlotte Brontë's Jane Eyre. The main difference in writer David Odell's vision of the classic tale? Jane falls in love with the Wolfman. The Wolfman later became the character of Beastman in Masters of the Universe.

Funner and more Furious: Odell's original script was later turned into the smash hit Eyre Bud, which coincidentally opened the same weekend as Eyre Force One (itself an adaptation of Emily Brontë's only dog novel, Wuthering Bites).

Fun Fact: Tokyo Drift: Cyborg 2 was Angelina Jolie's first starring role. No shit.

Sunday Cipher #15 - The Tooth Fairy's Revenge

The Tooth Fairy has decided to pay you a magical visit in your bed! Unfortunately she's up to her eyeballs in gambling debt and wants her money back. The good news is that she's willing to return your baby teeth. The bad news is that she intends to shove them back into your gums unless she gets her $20 back with interest. Decode the secret chant below and send that bitch back to hell!

Below is a quote from a famous person encoded with a substitution cipher. Each letter has been swapped for another. Today's hint: O equals T.

"OGXTX/ RUC/ U/ IFOOIX/ ZFCPVHXTCOUVHFVA/ RFOG/ OGUO/ RGKIX/ 'XZUVJFSUOFKV/ STKJIUZUOFKV'/ OGFVA./ FO/ RUC/ CPSSKCXH/ OK/ QX/ U/ JKPSIX/ HUEC/ KMM/ OK/ CUE/ 'OGUVLC',/ OGXV/ COTUFAGO/ QUJL/ OK/ OGX/ ATFVHCOKVX./ OGXE/ UII/ CXXZXH/ CK/ GUSSE/ F/ HFHV'O/ GUBX/ OGX/ GXUTO/ OK/ JKTTXJO/ OGX XTTKT. "/
- UQTUGUZ/ IFVJKIV

The first person to e-mail me the correct answer at imillermoth@gmail.com wins a prize! If you would like your prize sent to you, include a mailing address with your answer.

Last week's answer:
"Who would've thought that going to a fancy dress party in an electric wheelchair from the trash would snowball like this? I mean, Christ, I graduated from culinary school." - Stephen Hawking

Hitler Bad, Vandalism Good

Here's a few screen captures of Wikipedia vandalism I've run across recently. Wikipedia vandalism is one of my favorite surprises. Sadly I don't have a picture of the best instance I've ever seen; It was an article on Jonathan Livingston Butthole. Classic.

An entire section of the Space Age Pop
article devoted to "hoe nads with my go nads"

The article on the Guns N' Roses tune "Mr. Brownstone"
contains a reference to Virginia Tech killer Seung-Hui Cho's
play of the same name. While one of Cho's plays was indeed called
Mr. Brownstone, whether he was in fact a "cool bro" is
open to debate.

A bit of trivia from the Nicolas Cage
film Vampire's Kiss.

Not a credible source my eye. Although to be fair, many more reputable sources have also published false information. For example, diabetes was invented by a mischievous editor at World Book Encyclopedia and in 1952 an Encyclopædia Britannica article on Eleanor Roosevelt referred to her as a "butt slut".

You'd Be Grouchy Too

Here are some things I think might be inside Oscar The Grouch's trashcan.

• Soup
  

• Garbage
• The Lindbergh Baby's Body
• Fancy Mixed Nuts
  

• The Lindbergh baby, but now he's grown and just happens to work at Sesame Street. He's been there for like 30 years. It's taken him a long time to get promoted to Oscar operator, because it's a highly desired spot, and Sesame Street is union. He was the key grip for quite a while. Frequently during shooting he could be seen standing off stage mimicking Oscar's movements with his own arms.
• Kim Jong-il
  

• Stars
  

My God, he's full of stars!

• A smaller Oscar The Grouch
• Big Bird
• Octopodes
  

• A... plunger?

What could be in here?

A Dalek!

• ICP. Not that I really think Violent J is in there, but it seems right that ICP would be huge Sesame Street fans and this would be a dream come true. Violent J: "Man, Sesame Street is off the hook! I love that shit! Big Bird all up in there. Gordon was always teaching kids and junk. They taught the shit outta some kids, dawg! They just gotta say the word and we'll drive the dark carnival all down Sesame Street and set up tents and shit."
  
  Shaggy 2 Dope: "After I found out all them puppets and shit wasn't real, I cried for like two weeks. I bawled my eyes out, and I ain't even playin'. After I got my shit all calmed down I wanted to do that, man. Like, I wanted to be Oscar The Grouch all teachin' kids and shit. I ain't never got to be a Fraggle or nothin', but we still helping kids in our own way. 'Cause, y'know, our music has words and shit, so like kids cold probably learn to read from it.
  
• A horrible centipede spine that's wearing clown shoes
  

• His own tentacle body. By the way, don't ever do a Google image search for "tentacle" without the safe search on. In fact, just never look for pictures of tentacles on the internet.
  

• Elian Gonzalez
• A bacta tank with Luke Skywalker inside
  

• Maybe this guy
  

Oscar Fun Fact: Oscar the Grouch (the monster, not the puppet) is actually orange, not green. In Oscar's first appearances he was clearly orange, but in 1970 took on his more familiar green color. He has stated that it is the result of a vacation to Swamp Mushy Muddy. The green is primarily moss and algae. He once bathed and became orange again. He quickly returned to the swamp and restored his green hue.

Learn more: http://muppet.wikia.com/wiki/Oscar_the_Grouch

So what's really inside Oscar's can? Much like a hermit crab, Oscar uses the can as a sort of exoskeleton. Let's peek inside

Just meat

Lastly, I stumbled upon this image while searching for pictures to use in this piece:

I wish I could say I made this picture, but alas I did not. Here's where it came from:
http://teaching.zachwhalen.net/comics/content/crab-nicholson-image-gives-form-idea

Next time: We interview the five cats and a badger that brought ALF to life!