Thursday, July 1, 2010


I love living in the future. The 21st century is pretty God-Damned amazing. There are miracles all around us. Like magnetic giraffes. And lasers. How awesome are lasers? I never imagined I'd live in a world where lasers are as common as unwanted pregnancies. However, even with futuristic-sounding names about lasers the following things aren't nearly as cool as one might expect.

Laser Hair
Laser Hair?

Okay, this one doesn't even really sound cool. I guess I have to give them credit for trying to give people laser powered hair. Or maybe some sort of hair plugs where the hair is actually made from lasers. But if that wasn't dangerous it would probably just look like you have some of those glow necklaces stuck in your hair. Not very cool.

Laser College
Laser College?

This one definitely should be cool. Unfortunately it's not. I'm not even positive what they do in there, but there are no explosions, no holes burned through the walls of the building, no weapons department, no spaceport, no holographic professors to greet you. I think a student here did Bret Michaels' laser hair here and that's why he has to wear that bandanna.

Laser Genesis
Where's Laser Phil Collins?

Upon first hearing "laser genesis" you might remember that it was the Laser Genesis Device that resurrected laser Spock in Star Trek III: The Search for Laser Spock. You'd be wrong. In this case laser genesis is most likely code for Filipino hand-job. Maybe Chinese. That smacks of mistranslation. While cool in its own right, it's not the kind of cool I think should be associated with lasers. Perhaps some day in the near future you'll overhear a man in a bar complaining about getting the clap from the Happy Cantonese Laser Genesis Rejuvenation. That day can't come fast enough, but for now there are no lasers here.

A Printer
Feed it a cat

What's this? A printer? No, it's a friggin' LASER-JET. Anything called a laser jet should be about the coolest God-Damned thing ever. This? Not so much. There is probably a red LED in there somewhere that "lasers" the ink through a "jet" of some sort onto space-paper, but that shit doesn't cut it. This "jet" can't even hover, let alone fly. I see no lasers shooting out of it. Almost any combination of lasers and jets should be awesome, but this thing only prints documents with high fidelity.

At least it uses Xerographic printing, which, while common place, is pretty futuristic. Without it I would probably never get to read a sentence like "Amorphous selenium will hold an electrostatic charge in darkness."

Also, Xenographics would be a great name for a shitty T-shirt shop run by aliens. Maybe they do car decals too.
Actually a pretty sexy printer

OK, this thing looks like a lightsaber and is amazing.

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