Oh no! The giant spider has lured you into his home! Before you know it, you are stuck fast in the spider's oldest trap - the hang-man's noose! Can you solve the puzzle and release the noose before it's too late?!!
Below is a quote from a famous person encoded with a substitution cipher. Each letter has been swapped for another. Today's hint: Q equals I.
"QK /BGQF/ STNHA/ KTBGQKO/ PYK/ DM/ FYQA/ BT/ DM/ PMNBYQK,/ MLPMZB/ AMYBG/ YKA/ BYLMF./ YKA/ OMBBQKO/ BGM/ PHYZ/ QK/ ZYNQF./ BGNMM/ BGQKOF."/
- DMKJYWQK/ CNYKVHQK
The first person to e-mail me the correct answer at imillermoth@gmail.com wins a prize! If you would like your prize sent to you, include a mailing address with your answer.
Last week's answer:
"...and it turned out, that with all the wind and rain, the leprechaun thought I said 'peanut grower'" - Jimmy Carter
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Friday, October 15, 2010
Helpful Hint #3 - Stain Removal
Here's a handy chart that gives quick and easy solutions for removing common stains. You should probably print it for your fridge. I'm having trouble re-sizing a page of text as an image and still having it legible, so I just made it really small. You'll have to click on it, and then it'll still be too small, and then when you expand it, it's going to be too large. The chart should make your life simpler. Reading the chart may be complicated. I never said this was going to be easy.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Skating on Thin Ice
Is it racist if I think twice before buying a pair of ice-skates that were recommended to me by a black man?
If the guy was a French Canadian white guy or some Eastern European I would totally trust his opinion on skates. Also, come to think of it, if it was a French Canadian black guy I would also believe whatever he told me about ice skates. French Canadian trumps any racial make-up when it comes to hockey and ice skating. Honestly, I assume that all Canadian men and most of the women are bad-ass skaters and have probably played on a hockey team.
This didn't come up because I was shopping for ice skates or anything. It arose because I had dry cleaning done, and I realized I would be wary of entrusting my dry cleaning to most races. I just assume when I go into a dry cleaner's that the person behind the counter is going to be white or Asian. Furthermore, I assume all the Asians in dry cleaners' are Chinese. I think we all do. I also assume that even if there's a pretty big language barrier, my laundry will be spotlessly clean and well pressed, because, y'know, Chinese know shit about laundry. It's in their silk robes or something.
Even this clip art I found is racist
But give me a black dude or a Latina behind the counter, and I might hesitate to hand over my linen to them. And that's odd, because it's more because of my positive stereotyping of the Chinese and their laundry skills than it is that I don't trust other minorities. I would much rather hand over my silk dressing gown to a normal looking Spaniard than some skeezy white dude. Being OK with giving my dry cleaning to a white person at all probably stems from having only lived in Sacramento and Denver. If I had grown up in Los Angeles or Washington D.C. I would probably only trust my laundry to the Chinese. But, damn man, white people have always been coming out of the woodwork wherever I've lived, so you kind of just have to assume that if they look fairly clean they can probably do their job.
She puts stains in clothes.
However, she doesn't work at a cleaner's.
I wonder what would happen if a Chinese person took in their dry cleaning and a Laotian or Thai was at the counter. I think it would blow his mind. Then he'd just leave and wash his own clothes, figuring he has to able to do a better job. And if they came out wrinkled or still stained he'd utter some Cantonese racial epithet for Thais that doesn't really translate into English. It'd roughly translate to "An unskilled yak that has stolen from my forefathers and longs to poison my land" or "The bedfellow of ghosts and demons that sprang from its own mother's behind" And it would only apply to that very specific ethnic group. Like people from southwest of Phnom Penh. Because, man, foreigners are raaaciiiiist! Seriously. I've worked with enough Mexicans to have heard some slang. They have all sorts of specific terms for people from other places. It's like "Oh, yeah we call guys from Chihuahua that because they're all thieves." or "That's what you call somebody from Sonora since they're all dirty." Man, foreigners are as bad as those inbred racists from Alabama.
So, should I buy the skates?
If the guy was a French Canadian white guy or some Eastern European I would totally trust his opinion on skates. Also, come to think of it, if it was a French Canadian black guy I would also believe whatever he told me about ice skates. French Canadian trumps any racial make-up when it comes to hockey and ice skating. Honestly, I assume that all Canadian men and most of the women are bad-ass skaters and have probably played on a hockey team.
This didn't come up because I was shopping for ice skates or anything. It arose because I had dry cleaning done, and I realized I would be wary of entrusting my dry cleaning to most races. I just assume when I go into a dry cleaner's that the person behind the counter is going to be white or Asian. Furthermore, I assume all the Asians in dry cleaners' are Chinese. I think we all do. I also assume that even if there's a pretty big language barrier, my laundry will be spotlessly clean and well pressed, because, y'know, Chinese know shit about laundry. It's in their silk robes or something.
Even this clip art I found is racist
She puts stains in clothes.However, she doesn't work at a cleaner's.
I wonder what would happen if a Chinese person took in their dry cleaning and a Laotian or Thai was at the counter. I think it would blow his mind. Then he'd just leave and wash his own clothes, figuring he has to able to do a better job. And if they came out wrinkled or still stained he'd utter some Cantonese racial epithet for Thais that doesn't really translate into English. It'd roughly translate to "An unskilled yak that has stolen from my forefathers and longs to poison my land" or "The bedfellow of ghosts and demons that sprang from its own mother's behind" And it would only apply to that very specific ethnic group. Like people from southwest of Phnom Penh. Because, man, foreigners are raaaciiiiist! Seriously. I've worked with enough Mexicans to have heard some slang. They have all sorts of specific terms for people from other places. It's like "Oh, yeah we call guys from Chihuahua that because they're all thieves." or "That's what you call somebody from Sonora since they're all dirty." Man, foreigners are as bad as those inbred racists from Alabama.
So, should I buy the skates?
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Sunday Cipher #7 - The Mystery of Carl's Missing Ice Skate
Can you solve the puzzle before Boris bites into the chocolate ice skate and ruins the whole Birthday party?!!
Below is a quote from a famous person encoded with a substitution cipher. Each letter has been swapped for another. Today's hint: D equals P.
"...ILV /CX /XNJLBV/ PNX,/ XGIX /MCXG /IZZ /XGB /MCLV/ ILV/ JICL, /XGB /ZBDJBQGINL /XGPNSGX/ C/ UICV/ 'DBILNX/ SJPMBJ'"
- HCEEO/ QIJXBJ
The first person to e-mail me the correct answer at imillermoth@gmail.com wins a prize! If you would like your prize sent to you, include a mailing address with your answer.
Last week's answer:
"I've found that marriage is like a slot machine: you just keep at it, thinking one day it has to pay off. But at the end of the day you're alone and drunk in some place where nobody cares." - Billy Graham
Notice: Last week's cipher contained a typo resulting in the intended word "of" coming out as "on". The Swarm regrets the error and will strive to prevent this kind of thing from happening. The responsible party has been terminated. On a cheerier note, fully half of our respondents submitted answers that accounted for the typo and corrected it. Keep up the good work!
Below is a quote from a famous person encoded with a substitution cipher. Each letter has been swapped for another. Today's hint: D equals P.
"...ILV /CX /XNJLBV/ PNX,/ XGIX /MCXG /IZZ /XGB /MCLV/ ILV/ JICL, /XGB /ZBDJBQGINL /XGPNSGX/ C/ UICV/ 'DBILNX/ SJPMBJ'"
- HCEEO/ QIJXBJ
The first person to e-mail me the correct answer at imillermoth@gmail.com wins a prize! If you would like your prize sent to you, include a mailing address with your answer.
Last week's answer:
"I've found that marriage is like a slot machine: you just keep at it, thinking one day it has to pay off. But at the end of the day you're alone and drunk in some place where nobody cares." - Billy Graham
Notice: Last week's cipher contained a typo resulting in the intended word "of" coming out as "on". The Swarm regrets the error and will strive to prevent this kind of thing from happening. The responsible party has been terminated. On a cheerier note, fully half of our respondents submitted answers that accounted for the typo and corrected it. Keep up the good work!
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Helpful Hint #2
Looking for a way to inject a little hot fun into your humdrum life?
Try this:
When I see a rainbow sticker on something, I like to think that it's not the owner of the object that's gay, but the object itself.
Oh, you're a homosexual? Don't really care.
Wait, your boat is gay? Now that's something!
The GuyPhone and his hot black boyfriend
Try this:
When I see a rainbow sticker on something, I like to think that it's not the owner of the object that's gay, but the object itself.
Oh, you're a homosexual? Don't really care.
Wait, your boat is gay? Now that's something!
The GuyPhone and his hot black boyfriendWednesday, October 6, 2010
Pulling a Mussel
I really just don't get this ad. I mean, I get all the constituent parts; I simply don't get the ad as a whole. Or maybe I just hate it.
There's a lot I do get about this ad:
I can easily find the name of the restaurant. I see the location. I see the phone number, the website, days it is open, and also the hours for brunch. If I look at the disgusting drawing, I can even tell that there may be some sort of special on mussels and fries. This is where things start to get a little iffy. There is no price for their special, so it may not even be a good deal, but it's available.
There is a lot about this ad I understand, but so, so much more I don't get. What exactly is the Mussel special? I assume that this is an ad for a dinner special. You don't generally see The Burger King just shouting "4 ounce Burger! Several sizes of fries!" so I assume there is some sort of special pricing for 2 Pound Mussels that possibly come with unlimited fries.
Now that I think about it though, the Burger King thing doesn't work as an analogy because I doubt (and really hope) that these degenerates aren't the Le Central mascots. I guess a better comparison would be if Pizza Hut had a crappy drawing of a gay couple bare-backing in a bathroom stall and shouting "3 Pound pizza! Also wings."
You can't tell, but these guys met like 20 minutes ago
and that guy is totally not wearing a condom
Those are some huge-ass mussels, too. 2 pound mussels must be expensive. Maybe the pricing changes constantly with the market. Many seafoods are at "market price" and change daily. Perhaps they should have mentioned that in the ad.
That disgusting drawing is the biggest problem. I mean, Jesus, why is that thing there? It's awful. I realize French cuisine is supposed to be sensual and people are always making some vulgar comparison between bivalves and vulvae, but just a crude drawing of people doin' it? Are these people actually shouting "2 Pound Mussels! Unlimited Fries [No exclamation point. evidently they were mostly pumped about the mussels and then calmed down and just sort of said blandly 'Unlimited Fries']" during intercourse? Were they discussing dinner mid-coitus and that bargain just made them shout? Were they starting to climax and instead of stopping the talk about where to get a good deal on seafood they just yelled it? And are they toasting with wine while this is going on? What are they toasting? The savings? God, it's distasteful. There's all that sweat flying off of them... and she's still clothed...
And what the hell are they lying on? I really can't tell. It looks very thin, like they're precariously balanced on this pile of rolled-up striped blankets that's about 18 inches wide.It kind of looks like they're doing it on the top of a sofa back. Like carpet cleaners just finished and they're stuck on the couch for an hour while it dries. They were stranded on the couch like kids playing the carpet-is-lava game and saw another, wholly different ad for Le Central's Mussels and Fries deal (that presumably included the price) and had to fuck immediately. I don't know why they didn't use the main part of the couch. Maybe there's a bunch of magazines all over it and they don't want them to stick to their obviously dewy flesh. It would leave those weird reverse image ink marks all over their backs. And what the hell is that behind his pillow?
It's clearly made of his flesh. It's so meaty i want it to be part of his lower body, like a third gross thigh something, but that makes it even worse because that means it's really loooong.
And what's wrong with their teeth? Have they been eating the mussels shell-on? I'm pretty sure people who have teeth like that and fuck on couch backs don't go out for fancy French cuisine. They refill their tiny wine glasses from the jug of Carlo Rossi on the floor and then go fuck in the cluttered laundry room while a filthy dog barks at them through the back door. And they love that shit.
I'm still really bothered by that flesh-roll behind his head.
And seriously, why are they advertising a nebulous dinner special with this horrible drawing of people screwing? I'm really not happy about this whole thing.
Cheers.
There's a lot I do get about this ad:
I can easily find the name of the restaurant. I see the location. I see the phone number, the website, days it is open, and also the hours for brunch. If I look at the disgusting drawing, I can even tell that there may be some sort of special on mussels and fries. This is where things start to get a little iffy. There is no price for their special, so it may not even be a good deal, but it's available.
There is a lot about this ad I understand, but so, so much more I don't get. What exactly is the Mussel special? I assume that this is an ad for a dinner special. You don't generally see The Burger King just shouting "4 ounce Burger! Several sizes of fries!" so I assume there is some sort of special pricing for 2 Pound Mussels that possibly come with unlimited fries.
Now that I think about it though, the Burger King thing doesn't work as an analogy because I doubt (and really hope) that these degenerates aren't the Le Central mascots. I guess a better comparison would be if Pizza Hut had a crappy drawing of a gay couple bare-backing in a bathroom stall and shouting "3 Pound pizza! Also wings."
You can't tell, but these guys met like 20 minutes agoand that guy is totally not wearing a condom
Those are some huge-ass mussels, too. 2 pound mussels must be expensive. Maybe the pricing changes constantly with the market. Many seafoods are at "market price" and change daily. Perhaps they should have mentioned that in the ad.
That disgusting drawing is the biggest problem. I mean, Jesus, why is that thing there? It's awful. I realize French cuisine is supposed to be sensual and people are always making some vulgar comparison between bivalves and vulvae, but just a crude drawing of people doin' it? Are these people actually shouting "2 Pound Mussels! Unlimited Fries [No exclamation point. evidently they were mostly pumped about the mussels and then calmed down and just sort of said blandly 'Unlimited Fries']" during intercourse? Were they discussing dinner mid-coitus and that bargain just made them shout? Were they starting to climax and instead of stopping the talk about where to get a good deal on seafood they just yelled it? And are they toasting with wine while this is going on? What are they toasting? The savings? God, it's distasteful. There's all that sweat flying off of them... and she's still clothed...
And what the hell are they lying on? I really can't tell. It looks very thin, like they're precariously balanced on this pile of rolled-up striped blankets that's about 18 inches wide.It kind of looks like they're doing it on the top of a sofa back. Like carpet cleaners just finished and they're stuck on the couch for an hour while it dries. They were stranded on the couch like kids playing the carpet-is-lava game and saw another, wholly different ad for Le Central's Mussels and Fries deal (that presumably included the price) and had to fuck immediately. I don't know why they didn't use the main part of the couch. Maybe there's a bunch of magazines all over it and they don't want them to stick to their obviously dewy flesh. It would leave those weird reverse image ink marks all over their backs. And what the hell is that behind his pillow?
It's clearly made of his flesh. It's so meaty i want it to be part of his lower body, like a third gross thigh something, but that makes it even worse because that means it's really loooong.
And what's wrong with their teeth? Have they been eating the mussels shell-on? I'm pretty sure people who have teeth like that and fuck on couch backs don't go out for fancy French cuisine. They refill their tiny wine glasses from the jug of Carlo Rossi on the floor and then go fuck in the cluttered laundry room while a filthy dog barks at them through the back door. And they love that shit.
I'm still really bothered by that flesh-roll behind his head.
And seriously, why are they advertising a nebulous dinner special with this horrible drawing of people screwing? I'm really not happy about this whole thing.
Cheers.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Sunday Cipher #6 - The Adventure of The False Contessa
Can you un-lace the fake Contessa's bodice before the robotic turtles make the switch?!!
Below is a quote from a famous person encoded with a substitution cipher. Each letter has been swapped for another. Today's hint: K equals J.
"M'LS /ODFHU /TWJT/ YJAAMJRS /MP /VMZS/ J /PVDT/ YJNWMHS: /EDF/ KFPT/ ZSSB /JT /MT,/ TWMHZMHR/ DHS/ UJE/ MT/ WJP /TD /BJE/ DOO. / CFT /JT/ TWS/ SHU/ DO /TWS /UJE/ EDF'AS/ JVDHS /JHU/ UAFHZ /MH/ PDYS /BVJNS /QWSAS /HDCDUE /NJASP."
- CMVVE/ RAJWJY
The first person to e-mail me the correct answer at imillermoth@gmail.com wins a prize! If you would like your prize sent to you, include a mailing address with your answer.
Answer from two weeks ago: "The best part about having spent those interminable years alone with all those monkeys is that no one questions how many you ate." - Jane Goodall
Below is a quote from a famous person encoded with a substitution cipher. Each letter has been swapped for another. Today's hint: K equals J.
"M'LS /ODFHU /TWJT/ YJAAMJRS /MP /VMZS/ J /PVDT/ YJNWMHS: /EDF/ KFPT/ ZSSB /JT /MT,/ TWMHZMHR/ DHS/ UJE/ MT/ WJP /TD /BJE/ DOO. / CFT /JT/ TWS/ SHU/ DO /TWS /UJE/ EDF'AS/ JVDHS /JHU/ UAFHZ /MH/ PDYS /BVJNS /QWSAS /HDCDUE /NJASP."
- CMVVE/ RAJWJY
The first person to e-mail me the correct answer at imillermoth@gmail.com wins a prize! If you would like your prize sent to you, include a mailing address with your answer.
Answer from two weeks ago: "The best part about having spent those interminable years alone with all those monkeys is that no one questions how many you ate." - Jane Goodall
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